Driving fun?, 9 days until Christmas

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I know there are many people who love to drive, who find it something fun and relaxing. I’m just not one of them. It might be because my wandering mind that isn’t allowed to wander when driving. Perhaps it’s responsibility or the possibility an accident might happen. I just do not feel confident behind the wheel. I did when the driversintructer was still next to me and had a break himself, so he could take control if it was needed.

When I was still learning and had a lesson every week, my driversintructer (especially in the beginning) told me he was worried about me not always a 100% there. Of course I wasn’t, Daydreaming was and still is something I did when I sat in a car staring out the window. Obviously this habit was something that needed to be gone when I am sitting behind the wheel. But it still doesn’t come or feels natural not to do and adds quite a bit of extra stress, as I need to tell myself constantly I need to focus and that my mind should not wander. Another is that I find myself often that the car isn’t doing exactly what I wish to do. But perhaps this all will get better if I start to drive more often and get used to be behind the wheel. It was last October last year I passed my drivers exam, but the times I have driven can probably be counted on both hands.

I made a coat, 17 days until Christmas

A while back, I believe in September, I wrote to you that I wanted to start sewing. Well, I finally started. The first project I took on was sewing a coat. And guess what it is not falling apart. Although I do have to admit there was a lot of help from my mom, but I am just a beginner.

Before you can actually start sewing you will need a couple of things a sewing pattern, to help you with what to do, fabric, needle and thread, sewing machine, in this case buttons. Although this may seem logical and not that hard, but I didn’t expect there would be so many decision-making. Making decisions is not really a talent of mine.
First step, the sewing pattern, a step where you need to choose from hundreds perhaps even thousands of patterns. Trying to find the one closest to what you have in mind. After you find one you can on to the next step, because now you know how much you need.
Step two, on the hunt for  fabric. The fabric, not that hard I though, I already had in mind what I wanted exactly. And finding that kind of fabric I was looking for was easy, this happened rather quickly. But unfortunately if you want a coat that is actually kind of warm you will need lining, and this fabric comes in many different shapes and different colours. And even though this is coming from the inside of the coat it will show through every now and then to see. So it is important that it go’s well with the fabric you have chosen, but as well you have to have in mind what look you’re going for. Bright green could be fun, but if you want your coat to go on for a while and would like to change up the look now and then by scarf, you might be better off with a more natural colour.
Step 3: Do you want shoulder patting. Apparently with the coat I wanted it is custom to have that. But I’m not really liking the look of broad shoulders. I did get them, but have now a much thinner and less obviously patting in there, that might or might not stay in (depending on whether I like the look or not).
Step 4: Buttons (if you need them). This might seem as a miner decision, but when the details are not right, it is going to look cheap. And there are many buttons to choose from, some may look like each other, but because of a small detail in them they can change the look of the coat.
Of course you need a couple more things, but they aren’t much of a decision. They are needed and you go with what the saleslady says are the best.

Where the first problem presented itself. I was in the store already made all the decisions I had to make, ready to make some more for other projects, when we founded out that the pattern we had chosen was not right for the coat I wanted to make. The mistake we made was we didn’t look properly at the drawing of the coat and missed that the seams were not where I wanted them. This made that I started to freak out. In my head, I started to worry, I made myself believe that all these people in the store were thinking I was stupid, dum. How could I make such a stupid decision. I wanted to leave the store instantly, my breathing started to be heavier. And I very much believed everybody was looking at me.
I know this might sound a bit stupid, probably most of the people there didn’t notice me and most definitely didn’t know of the mistake I made. And if they were now looking at me it was probably that I now was acting foolishly. The only people who knew was my mom (who made the mistake with me) and the sales lady who pointed it out, but wasn’t by all means judge mental. Actually, she was quite nice.
So with me panicking, we left the store, with the fabric and sorts, but not with any other fabric for other projects or with a pattern we could use.

Luckily we did end up finding the right pattern and we could get started.
Step 5: Drawing out the patterns, pinning the on the fabric and starting to cut out the fabric.
Step 6: Of course my mum help me a lot here. The times I sewed before are not worth mentioning, so I needed a whole lot of help. I am in the learning progress and did as much as I could. The most difficult parts are done by my mom, I did wanted for the coat to look good and didn’t want to fuck it up.

I do think the end result is perfect. I love it, it is comfortable, and it does look well made. Definitely a coat for years to come.  

Lets go wander

I still have quite a lot of footage from my holiday left, which I’m using up right now. It’s a great way to still get some blog posts done, but leaves some time to get my writing done and other things I would like to get done. It’s something I quite enjoy doing, even if it isn’t the best quality or best work in the world, I still like to do it from time to time. I am planning to get some other posts up as well, but lately I feel a bit stuck in the creativity department. This happens from time to time, I suppose it’s linked with my social anxiety. Because when I get stuck it often means, my head is filled with doubt, I constantly compare myself to others which always leads to me to think all negative things about the things I’ve done, made or even think. Not to worry, I also know that with some time I will feel better and exited again. It’s just like having a bad day, everyone has those.

A little update, in my last favourites I told you about someone ending up in the hospital. This person is now home and thinks are looking a bit up again. Of course, there is still a long way off recovery left, but the first steps are made.

Update & February favourites

Hey, hello there. I feel like it’s been quite a while since I posted anything, I’m sorry. I do not even have an actual good reason for it, other than I have felt really lousy.
                Basically, I have felt anxious, almost all day for the past two months and it has been bringing my mood down. I can tell you feeling anxious and having panic attacks, many days of the week is not a good feeling. About my mood, well, I don’t feel like doing anything at all and every tiny thing can upset me, which is a very frustrating thing for me. I haven’t been a great to be living with. Of course it couldn’t end with just feeling anxious, my skin has been breaking out which I think could be connected.
                The main reason for this is probably my par time job I have since January, it has been more challenging than I had expected. This has been a trigger to my anxiety. A thing that doesn’t help either is that my body needs some vitamin D from the sunlight, I hope spring/ summer is going to around here soon.

Now on to my favourites of the month.

Wild Argan oil, body lotion: I needed some body lotion, I didn’t have any and my skin was very dry. And after hearing about this one and being in the Body Shop I decided to give it a try. The smell is just heavenly, I can’t get enough of it. Of course it is moisturizing as well.
The Body Shop

Deep Sleep Dreamy Pillow & Body Mist: I have been thinking of getting this for a while and have finally done so. It is supposed to help you sleep well, and after using it every night before bedtime, I can say that I think it does. The smell is nice and fresh, it reminds me of summer.
The Body Shop

Brow Artist Plumper, LORÉAL Paris: My eyebrows are very light blond and in some light even more invisible. So I need to put something on them to make them visible, but because they are so blond (and in need to be getting painted again) I find using pencil or powder can become quickly fake looking. As If they were drawn on. But since I have this it looks better, is easier and quicker.

Avocado: I definitely love this, especially made into a quesadilla with some onion and tomato or some chicken. For me this is comfort food and the best thing is it isn’t even bad for you. Yumm.

First step

In my new year’s resolutions I’ve talked about how I wanted to challenge myself. By doing things that lay out of my comfort zone, things that make me feel anxious. The reason to it, my anxiety is still a big obstacle in my daily routine. So this month I took my first step in this, I’ve got a job in my local supermarket for a couple hours  a week. It’s not necessary because I want to, but because it would be good for me to have something to leave the house for and where I’m forced to be with other people. At least this what my psychologist used to tell me all the time, and what my parents tell me every day, so that must be true right?  

It’s only a part-time job as a cashier in a supermarket, nothing exciting or interesting and nothing permanent. It is last week that I’ve started with the training and also with a few hours, something that already cost some panic and anxious feelings. It will probably take a while before it becomes routine, “normal”, and without the uncomforted of anxiousness. But doesn’t that mean this is the right step for me, that it is definitely it lies outside my comfort zone. The plus side is that the people that work there, soon my colleagues, are very nice and friendly, my boss knows of my anxiety with takes the pressure away a bit.

It would be great to feel comfortable in my own skin and I think this is a good step towards that. I hope it will not only bring confidence, but also a routine that makes me productive. Just so that I get things done, such as homework, blog and writing. Things I often procrastinate with, it’s easy to tell myself that I will do it tomorrow because I have enough time and that every day again and again.

I’m floating in the middle of an ocean

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At the moment I have no idea of how my future is going to look, it’s an unfamiliar and slightly uncomfortable feeling. I mean I’ve always had a some clear idea of what my life in a, for a few years was going to look like.  I either wanted to become an archaeologist, a criminologist, a wizard, to discover a world similar to Narnia or wonderland, has a future in the army, etc., etc.… I know they weren’t consistent, but in every moment in my life I felt like I had figured out what I wanted in my life and how to achieve that. But since two years I’ve been a bit lost in that aspect, I only had what I needed to do at the moment such as my therapy.

Journalism I highly doubted if it was the thing for me and was constantly on the hunt for an excuse or escapes, that I didn’t need to have the aspiration to become a journalist or a future in the news business. And soon it also turned out that it was too big of a step considered my anxiety, suddenly I also lost the comfort of being a student for four years and with that a vision on how the next four years were going to look like and be like. Of course soon after that I signed up  for my course, but this was only for a few hours a week and only once a month with fellow students. I started to worry and felt unease with the idea to not know what next, to not even have a way of filling my days.

It’s exciting and freeing, it’s a whole world full of possibility’s and directions ahead of me. But it’s quite terrifying at the same time. It’s like floating in the middle of an ocean, no land in sight, no boat that provides some sort of safety, no idea where you are in the world. An entire ocean underneath you so deep, it’s like staring into a black hole. It’s massive, big and yet it is incredible claustrophobic. Not knowing what lies or lives underneath you, you only can see the things and creatures that are closest to the surface. It could be a large and dangerous sea monster that is swimming under you or a whole other world with mermaids waiting for you to join them.

The best thing about it is that you are forced to live in the moment, you can’t plan very far ahead when you don’t have a clue what is ahead of you. And above I have the opportunity to focus on what is important to me right now; my blog, writing and mental health. Of course I have some dreams I wished to be realised (as we all might have), such as writing a book and get it published. But as it is only a very few who can live of the books they wrote I probably would need to do something besides as well.

When things turn out different than you planned

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I have something I need to tell you. A few posts back I told you about my first day of college and how it triggered my anxiety. Well, my anxiety got even worse, I didn’t sleep and suffer from many panic attacks. After that week I talked with my parents and asked for advice from my psychologist and decided it was better to quit, because it was too big of a step and there was just too much coming at me in a short period of time.

 

This felt a bit like failing and I was afraid I would end up sitting home again with no life, so after I decided to quit I found almost immediately a plan B. A writing study/course of 18 months, 15 hours a week and every month one meeting with my classmates and teacher. This is going to start this Saturday. But because I still want to keep pushing to get more out of my comfort zone I’m being busy and trying hard to find a job and I decided that it would be time to share my blog with all the people I know. You might know that sharing my blog is pretty hard and scary for me, up till to today my blog is a secret (except for my parents who I shared my blog with a few weeks ago). I’m afraid about what people might think about me and my blog. But it’s a step I’m willing to make.

After that, the study journalism turned out not to work my self-confidence crumbled a little and my anxiety started messing my head up by telling me I’m not good enough, that I will fail with this course as well, etc. It's gotten so bad this week, because of the insecurity of starting this course, missing a couple of books and not being able to let it go and let the study be, that I got physically ill because all the stress and anxiety. Of course, my sensible side (which I do have, only it isn’t as strong) tells me that what my anxiety tells me is mostly untrue. Like my mom tells me, everything is going to be okay and that I will just have to let it rest for now.

 

The big and scary world

Have any of you ever watched the film 28 days with Sandra Bullock. The second time I watched it (last weekend) I've had my day therapy behind me and it surprised me that I recognized a lot about the things she went through, even though I am no addict.

The first day you enter the doors you hate everything there, you feel you ended up between a bunch of lunatics, freaks, thinking it is a lot of bullshit that you ended up here. You aren’t crazy or anything, right? This is until you start to realize that you do belong in here, that something is wrong and definitely needs to change. The other patients turned out to be more normal than you initially thought.

After a while you even start to like and care for your fellow patient and it looks like it is the other way around as well. Perhaps this is because you share so much with each other, more than you would with anyone else, things that are extremely personal you tell them makes you feel fragile but still you feel safe enough to tell them. The great thing is when you tell them these things or whenever you feel very anxious, have a specific feeling or struggle again they won’t look at you weirdly, they understand. They know, because they went or are going through the same. You never need to explain, something you forget a little when you step back into society. When you go out again into this big and scary world people won’t understand immediately that you struggle with something think of as normal, you will need to explain. Although not everybody cares and that’s okay,  you only need to get used that everything is different from the safe surroundings at therapy.

First day of college and August favourites

Yesterday has been the first day of college for me and if I may be totally honest with you, it is going to be much harder than I thought it is going to be. The first half of the day was going very smoothly, we just had some informational classes nothing scary really. But then… the last class of the day we were handed some information about what was expected from us these coming weeks. Which was more than I thought, apparently we are starting out from the beginning with some after school journalism experience gaining, basically doing journalistic stuff outside of school you should arrange yourself. But that was not the only thing, we also have to make some kind of video of three minutes about yourself, which might become a slight problem since 1. I’m not really great at those technical stuff (making videos) and 2. Due to my anxiety I have spent a lot of time just hiding and barely doing anything, which now mind cause me not really having much to tell and to tell about my anxiety already to my classmates mind me a bit too fast. So getting to know what were expecting of me already the first semester gave me a large panic attack, which I luckily hold in until I was at the train station and not while I was still in class. Although having a panic attack (crying my eyes out, hyperventilate and trying to make sense to my mother on the telephone) on a busy train station is not everything either, it does get noticed of course.

Now I’m not willing to give up so I have sent my mentor an email explaining about my anxiety and made an appointment for tomorrow to perhaps find some sort of solution. To top this all, I'm feeling very poorly (as in sick).

Now on a much brighter notice, I also have some august favourites I would like to share.

Whasi  tape: I bought some basic notebooks, agenda, etc. that needed some decoration to make them more personal and whasi tape is amazing for this. I love the variation of colours and  prints and the fact they very easy to use and versatile. As you can see in the first picture of this post I already have personalized my agenda.

Angels on bare skin: A few posts back I shared some products of lush I bought and one of them was this skin wash. I love love love this product, I have to tell you that my skin looks and feels better after using this and Angels on bare skin is definitely a product I will buy again.

Bag: I wanted another small bag that I could carry around if I was going out or just on a day where I don’t need much to take along. When I found this bag while I was not even looking for it, I fell in love immediately. I love the print and think it’s the perfect size.

Dragon's egg: I tried my first ever bath bomb and it was amazing. The smell not too overpowering but lovely sweet, my bath, bright orange with gold sparkles that came out of surprise from the heart of the bath bomb. The water reminded me for some reason of mermaids, which I don’t mind at all. My skin felt super soft after I came out of my relaxing bath. I look forward to trying more bath bombs from the lush, do any of you have my recommendation of a bath bomb you love?

I'm back!

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post and I’m sorry for that, I really didn’t mean to. But because introduction camp and college were coming closer and closer I got really scared and anxious, which resulted in me escaping to my fantasy world hiding from the reality (it all got a bit too real I guess). The only times I did get out into reality was whenever I needed to do some preparation for college, such as ordering books, a new laptop, etc. But now I’m back and I will try my hardest to get as many posts up as possible.

My introduction camp has been a blast, but having said that, it also has been the biggest and scariest thing I’ve done so far, even harder than I expected it would be. I had expected that as soon as I got in the building and interacted with other human beings the panic, remaining from the very large panic attack I had in the car before entering the building (it had been such a while I had such a panic attack), would be gone. But it didn’t it lasted the first one and a half day, it was crawling just underneath my skin waiting for one last trigger to escape again. This might perhaps be because everything from this introduction was a secret, we knew nothing about where we would sleep or what we would be going to do, but none the less I survived, even more than that. I interacted with others, had a laugh and a very great time this week. I can say I feel very proud of myself and I think I have another victory.

Tomorrow will be another big day as I’m moving out to live with my Grandmother until I find a place of my own. Reason for me to live there is because it is a lot closer and I won’t be traveling as much as I would if I stayed home and therefore I will have more time left for blogging. Another thing that will be happening very soon, Monday the first of September, is my first day of college, which of course I feel nervous for and slightly exited.  
I still have to prove myself I can do this, because I’m still not convinced I can become a journalist in training, I mean I will be having to do a lot of things that are out of my comfort zone (it might not be the most logical step to make for someone with social anxiety), but of course it would be great to expand my comfort zone, to become more comfortable for me and of course it will be a great adventure where I can grow and learn a lot.

Something I never done Before

You might know from reading my Liebster award post, that the people I know (like friends and family) have never seen my blog or even know that I have a blog. And because I do want to share the thing I enjoy most with the people I love, I thought that my parents should be the first to have a look, because right now they are the only ones (together with my aunt) who know that I’m blogging and are very curious about it.

Of course I don’t want to just give them a link and be done with it, what I would like is to make a little present out of it.

This summer might be the last time we spent it the way we always did, together as a family, we all know that this year lots of things will change, I will move out, study, make friends and we don’t know how next year will look like. And that’s why I thought this would be a great time to give my parents the link to my blog, which they have been waiting for such a long time (I know they have). Like I said I wanted to make it a bit more like a present, so what I’m thinking of doing is to write it on the back of a card and give this card at the end of a day where we would have spent the entire day of having fun together as a family, perhaps at dinner.

Now I did limit my choice to just two cards, but I’m not sure which one I like more for this occasion. So if any of you have a suggestion on which one you like most, please let me know, because it would be very helpful. If you are wondering about what the first card says (it is in Dutch), it says: Lots of love (Veel liefs).

I feel so nervous about doing this, as I know how much of a big step this is. Also, I know my parents would appreciate it and probably be surprised about me getting these cards on my own and in such a spontaneous way. Even I am very surprised, I know what is the big deal right, well, I have never done such a thing before I used to stay home and not leave the house, last year I would be terrified to do this and therefore I would not have gone on a spontaneous trip to the store. This show how much I have grown this year and makes this present even a greater deal for my parents.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Today I wanted to share something that I have learned when I was in therapy and that I think it might help you too. It’s about fear and how not let it, live your life. Fear is only holding you back from living the life you like or/and deserve. The thing is, that it shouldn’t, because doing just that, the thing you're most afraid of, will give you the greatest rush you have ever had!

Of course at first you feel very anxious or perhaps even during, so much you consider not doing it to avoid, but after you have done exactly that you feel so strong.
You not only show the people who say you can’t that you can, but you also prove to yourself you can do it. And you know what? You are much stronger than you think you are, you have the ability to do more than you believe you can.

I just wanted to let you know that you are amazing and that you shouldn’t hold back because some says so or because you think you can't or are afraid to do so.

Volunteer work

This Neckless has been made for me by a 4 year old girl in the class I work with.

In the last two months of therapy I have started doing volunteer work at a local school. This was/is too

Get out my home and under the people, but also as a place where I can work on my anxiety and to make another step out of my comfort zone. I will do this volunteer work until the summer holidays which will start on the 5^th of July.

Even though I have done this for two months I still feel very anxious when I need to go and am not completely comfortable, but it does get better. And I notice I already do things that six months ago I thought of as unthinkable. Another thing I got to know about is, that I like children and that is what I work with. Especially the little ones because they have a way of thinking we all have lost when we grew up. Which is sad, it’s such a fun way of thinking.

Another thing that I like is when they proudly tell or show what they have made or done. They give each other compliments and help each other, I like to see that.

But even though I like doing this I don’t actually want to become a teacher, but I do want to have a child of my own one day in the very future.

A chapter closed

Thanks to my therapy I have learned a lot, I got more open and that is not just me who noticed it’s everyone around me that does. I have changed a lot and feel a lot better in my own skin now.
Not that it all have been oh so much fun, it wasn’t (except for the breaks with the others). I had to get over my own boundaries every single day to expand my comfort zone and that is the most scary and exhausting thing you can do I think. The last month I took a huge sprint so I could get everything out of therapy that I needed. Doing as such was very intensive, because you are constantly confronted with yourself, your fears and your problems. And those things I have been hiding from for many years.


And for six months I had no breaks, no rest moments. You might understand that everything about me is exhausted, my brain, my body and it really have begun to show. My skin is full of red spots, break outs. My body has lost weight (not that I could afford that, I have always been skinny) and is always hungry, I don’t believe I have ever eaten so much and so many times. The first moment I really realized I lost weight was when I was looking through some old pictures from a year ago, in my face it was very much showing. Another thing that I noticed was that I have never been so many times sick in six months, it was almost every other month, and with sick, I mean really sick, more sick than I have been in years.


Now I don’t want to complain, because it brought me very far and was worth every little bit. It helped me to live with my anxiety, how to deal with it and have helped me to be less anxious in general. It has made me stronger.


And now it is time to say goodbye and close this chapter.

(This card is what everybody gets when he or she says goodbye at therapy at the UCP, and so did I. It's filled with lovely messages and pictures that fits me. I loved me and made me realize I will going to miss all of them. Together with missing them, I find it terrifying I will have to do this on my own now.)

Walking backwards

Sick to my stomach I felt, the colour of my face disappeared, my body trembled, when I was walking towards the street where my shaming would happen. The Herenstraat in Groningen, it was crowded with people. I took a deep breath and turned myself around. I started to walk backwards. I felt the eyes of people burning in my back, out of the corners of my eyes, I saw some people pointing and giggling at me. I felt awkward. I started to walk faster, so it would end sooner. I crossed my imaginary finish line and turned again. Walking as fast as I could away from the shame and the people.

You might wonder where I was talking about, or why I would walk backwards down a busy shopping street. Well, this is what happened. In therapy they told me it would be could if I would do a shaming. A shaming? A shaming is something weird, out of the ordinary, something where you feel ashamed or awkward doing and that is normal, because everyone would feel weird when doing a shaming, simply because it is something not many people would even consider doing. A shaming is not your goal, it is something to help you to get to your goal. When you do a shaming, you’re terrified, but when you have done it, most things you first think are terrifying seem to be a lot easier and less scary or terrifying to do.

Now we know what a shaming and why you would do that, does it work? I can say yes, it does work. But walking backwards down a busy street with people looking, pointing and laughing at you was horrible. Not that I blame the people, because when I’m honest, I think I would do the same. It is a bit weird. But the feeling of shame and awkwardness is worth it, it made doing all the things I had in front of me to do and that terrified me a lot easier and nothing compared walking backwards.

It is something that I didn't really like doing, but what really helped me and something I will remember whenever I look up against doing something.

"In the silence of your bones and eyes forgotten magic sits and waits for fire"

Isn’t it a bit ironic when I say the people I like the most are always a bit different, weird, not like everyone else. They have something what attracts me, sometimes inspires me, but mostly they make me jealous that they can be themselves and feel comfortable. But when it comes to me, I want to hide, not stand out and to achieve that I would wear what everyone else is wearing, I try to look and act alike. Not that this actually makes me feel comfortable, it’s just that it feels and perhaps is safe.
I’m sure I’m not the only one when I say that it’s so much easier to see the good things when you look to others than when you look at yourself.

A while ago I happened to hear a conversation where a girl told she was afraid to turn up like everyone else if she would start a certain study. She was scared that she would become the kind of person she never want to be, not herself. She said it’s stupid to try to be like everyone else if you're not like everyone else, that she tried it herself, she was bullied in the past because she was different and wanted to fit in. She started the most “normal study”, started to wear “normal” clothes and wear her hair “normal” (it’s where I thought; that’s exactly what I’m doing now and done for a couple years), only she could only keep it up for only a few days before she started to long to herself. (The longing I know too, but the my anxiety was stronger).
She does have a point about being yourself, it’s kind of a waste to always be someone else.

Now that I’m doing my very best to get over my anxiety, and I’m doing pretty good with that I’ve already changed so much and feel already more confident, I wanted to start working “myself” to make my comfort zone bigger and stop hiding behind my “save” clothes. I know this won’t happen overnight, it’s been something I do for so long that it became normal and hard to imagine different, it will take time, perhaps a couple months or maybe even a year. I will take small steps. My first step would be writing and posting this, to share a bit more about me (the real me not the one I hide behind, even though she is part of me too).

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that....... you are free"

1. Bag, Primark

2. The abundance of Katherines, for the train journey.

3. Train cart, so I can legally travel.

4. Camera

5. My new glasses, so I don’t get a headache.

6. Some moisturizer, so my hands won't dry out.

7. My mobile phone.

8. Deodorant for when I’m smelly.

9. Some water to keep myself hydrated.

09:00 AM, I’m on my way to Zwolle to spend my day wandering through the city, something I never had the courage to do. The idea was I would use this as an exercise, as an exposure (exposing myself to my fear in order to fight my anxiety), and I did. The nerves that I felt when stepped on the train to make my journey to Zwolle, for a minute I thought it would be too much. But when I arrived there and started to wander the city through my nerves went down and I actually had a fun day, I enjoyed myself.

I went into every shop, walked along the beautiful buildings, sat down to eat when I felt like it and ended my day with ice cream (banana and berries). I barely felt any nerves at all and got all enthusiastic when I saw a book shop having a sale and I couldn’t resist going in and pick up some books, so I did.

Now that I have done this, I feel proud. Proud that I could and it feels good to find out you can more than you think you can. What I would advise you to do is to just try new thing and do more things you love, even if you think you can’t or you feel a terrible lot of nerves and are terrified by the idea, well I was terrified and I managed to do this.

1. Some books that I found in the sale and two books I got because I had planned to buy them.

2. I saw these cute and summary molds for cupcakes, the only ones I had where Christmas themed, and I just had to buy them. (Dille & Kamille)

3. Some tea I found and wanted to try out. (Dille & Kamille)

4. Zwolse ballen, because I can’t leave Zwolle without buying these.

5. Day cream with SPF, I needed some and I choose this one. (Body shop)

6. Some body butter, because it has been just € 1.

7. Just some make-up brushes.

8. A couple of face masks.

9. Eye shadow, I saw these ones back in December, but thought they were too expensive. Now they were half the price and therefore couldn’t leave them there. (Body shop)

10. A tester I received when I was buying things in the body shop.

Evetything you want is on the other side of fear (my social anxiety)

I wanted to post this for quite some time now, but that hasn’t been easy. I’ve written this over and over, then deleting again and write once more. I just couldn’t get satisfied with it, not that I’m ever satisfied with what I write. It’s just that I’m really someone who would expose herself that easily, I normally never share personal things, not anywhere. That’s why talking about this subject is so difficult, but I wanted to do so anyway. Why? Because I want to share my story about and my experiences with social anxiety. And reading similar posts or YouTube videos where others tell their stories and how they dealing with anxiety has helped me a lot. It helped me to accept myself a bit more, told me I’m not alone in this and that getting some help is not a big deal or weird even, it’s something that is there to help you. I hope that by writing this post, it does the same to you!

I’ve never been a very self-confident girl. No matter what I did or what I succeeded in, I always should have done better, write better, been better. I was never enough.

I have always been very shy, even as a child (I have never grown out of it). I did have friends and did not hide or avoid anything when I was younger, though. I even could take a stand for myself if I needed to, but never have I liked being in the centre of the attention. I would turn red, my hands would become sweaty and I would most prefer to just run away. It started to become a problem a bit later, around the end of secondary school. I didn’t get out as much, basically I only went to school. I started to spend my days hiding for everything, because all human contact made me feel a bit anxious, awkward. I filled my days with daydreaming about all the things I would do if I weren’t so afraid, those dreams became my only comfort zone. But living your life like that is not ideal, because every time you return to the “real world” it’s a let down. Living like this does not really give the insurance to a happy life, that’s why I wanted to change. Which is not as easy as it sounds.

It has been almost three months now since I started therapy, to face my fears and work my way through my anxiety. I have to be honest, this is not as fun as it sounds :). The first few weeks are just terrifying, after that it starts to get a little easier. But never have it has been fun, it’s hard work you know. But now to look more positively, I have to say I accomplished more than I thought in these couple of months. I have already faced my fears daily, which is exhausting.

With only 3 months more to go I determined to do everything that I’m capable of to make the change I want happen. I’m going to fill my mind with more positive and realistic thoughts, exposing myself to my fears and hopefully this is going to make me feel more confident and stronger. I do know that after I finished my therapy it is not likely that my anxiety have disappeared, this will probably always be a weakness of mine.