Happy shoes

Pointy, maroon, they make me happy. Everytime I look down to my feet, a smile turns on my face.

I love the way they look, my feet look small, the colour is amazing and the shoe is so different from what I already have. I love that they remind me of witches, perhaps I like that so much because my little girl's dream was to become a witch. Sadly, that dream didn’t came true.

October Favourites

Last month a few things have happened, first of all I became the owner of a driver's license. October the 15^th I had my exam and past, it took me exactly 100 hours spread over two years. A bit long that is, but nonetheless, I past.

            Something else that happened in the month of October, was something I never thought I would be doing. I Shared my blog via Facebook with everyone I had on my friends list there. So now I suspect people that I come across in real life now know about my blog, which is terrifying to me and also set the bar of posting a lot higher and made it difficult for me to post anything new. But I started to miss blogging, as a place where I can be myself and do what I love, and wanted to get started again. So here I am, taking another step forward and facing one of my fears for yet another time by telling you about a few favourites of this month.

Blouse & Vest: This was a combination I accidentally tried. First, I was wearing the blouse on its own, but this was a bit cold, so I popped my green vest underneath it. Surprisingly, I love the way this looked and it was warm, cosy and comfortable to wear, perfect when the temperature starts to drop (if it ever is going to, at least).

Mac and cheese casserole: A bit strange for me to want to try out, as I am not the greatest cheese lover and neither am I a fan of pastas. But even stranger was that I loved the way it tasted, the cheese sauce was creamy, soft, sweet and just delicious. 

Vegetable soup: An other food favourite in October. I found this recipe a few months ago on Tanya Burr’s blog and wanted to try it out ever since. And now I have, I can’t say anything else as yumm.. It was so satisfying to eat, because it filled me up completely and nothing feels as good than to be completely filled up with a delicious meal.

Autumn & Winter

Evenings are getting darker, temperature drops, rainy days ahead of us, leaves are falling, a cold is waiting for us around the corner to clog our nose and hurt our throat, wait a while and it will start to freeze, get so cold you can’t feel your toes, no more the warmth of the sun to brighten your day and give the energy you need so much. No worries, it isn’t as bad as it all sounds, there are many things to look forward to.

 

Cosy blankets
Cosy socks
Knitted sweaters
Candle lights flickering and lighting the room
Hot chocolate, who taste the best if your toes are frozen
More baths in the evening
Spending rainy days under the duvet watching films or reading books
Time for comfort foods
Walking through the leaves that have fallen
Pumpkins
Sinterklaas and the delicious treats that come with it
The feeling Christmas is approaching
Christmas itself and the delicious dinners
Twinkle lights that light the world in these dark days
Scarves, hats and boots
Oversized jumpers
Building snowmen’s
Watching snowflakes dancing  
Fireworks

Day Zero updat #2

This update on the Day Zero Project is a bit late, I said I was going to have one every three months, but nonetheless it is here a month later. A lot has happened since my last update, but you might have already read it in some previous posts. I got a few more goals achieved and those I will share with you right now.

Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days are over:
Finally, I made some time to write this letter and now the only thing I need to do is to find an envelope to keep it in until I’m aloud to read it again.

Start a study in September:
Perhaps you now that this wasn’t exactly a piece of cake, quite the contrary. To make a long story short, my first attempt to start a study (journalism) has failed which left me a bit down and confused, but I got back up and now I started a writing course/self-study. Saturday the 20^th of September was the first time I went, I was very poorly of all the nerves (I was sick the entire week because of it, but once I was in it wasn’t that bad and definitely a place I could learn a lot of useful things (still very scary though). I’m quite proud I took this step, because it fits me a lot better. Full story here.

Share some writing I’ve made
In my last update I told you I was about to do so and now I have. If you are curious what I’m talking about, you can read my story here.

Give my blog a new layout
Have you noticed something different? Yes, well, I hope so. I worked very hard on this. I know this might not be perfect, but for someone who isn’t quite good with technology and making a site look pretty I think it turned out good. And I can’t help feeling a little proud of myself.

Swim in the sea with Luna
For anyone who didn’t know, Luna is my dog. It wasn’t really the biggest success as we thought it would since she loves water and to swim in it. But she thought the waves were a bit frightening and it bothered her we were in the water with only our heads to see, it all made her a bit nervous and extremely happy when we got safely out of the water.

Go to the zoo
Another thing I’ve done during my vacation. We went to the zoo in Amsterdam, Artis. We had a lovely time even though I was disappointed with the size of the cages the animals were in. I know I’m not an expert on this, but I thought they seemed very small.

Bake 5 different muffins
Now I’m on three muffins, my latest addition is one I shared here and it’s a chocolate chip muffin, very yummy.

Read 100 books
I only got to 6, which means I haven’t read that much lately, only three books, but it’s still better than nothing right?
Diamond Star Halo by Tiffany Murray
This book I picked up in the sales when I spent my day in Zwolle and it wasn’t just a splurge, because I enjoyed reading the book and entering its world.
F*ck I’m in my twenties by Emma Koening
I got this book for my twentieth birthday, to perhaps prepare myself for what is to come. (I really liked flicking through and reading all the fun things that are inside. It’s grade for when you’re bored or waiting for something to get ready and have nothing else to do, although you might finish it before you actually need too because it’s great and very hard to leave it for another time. I finished the in only a couple of hours, because I kept reaching for it.
Flowers in the attic by Virginia Andrews
A very disturbing and a bit depressing book, which my mom once recommended to me since the age 12 I believe. I finally got around it and gave it a try. It’s one of those books you get sucked in easily, even if you get a bit tired with all what goes wrong, at least for me. But it’s not a book you should expect from to get you in a good mood, because it isn’t the happiest story ever told.

When things turn out different than you planned

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I have something I need to tell you. A few posts back I told you about my first day of college and how it triggered my anxiety. Well, my anxiety got even worse, I didn’t sleep and suffer from many panic attacks. After that week I talked with my parents and asked for advice from my psychologist and decided it was better to quit, because it was too big of a step and there was just too much coming at me in a short period of time.

 

This felt a bit like failing and I was afraid I would end up sitting home again with no life, so after I decided to quit I found almost immediately a plan B. A writing study/course of 18 months, 15 hours a week and every month one meeting with my classmates and teacher. This is going to start this Saturday. But because I still want to keep pushing to get more out of my comfort zone I’m being busy and trying hard to find a job and I decided that it would be time to share my blog with all the people I know. You might know that sharing my blog is pretty hard and scary for me, up till to today my blog is a secret (except for my parents who I shared my blog with a few weeks ago). I’m afraid about what people might think about me and my blog. But it’s a step I’m willing to make.

After that, the study journalism turned out not to work my self-confidence crumbled a little and my anxiety started messing my head up by telling me I’m not good enough, that I will fail with this course as well, etc. It's gotten so bad this week, because of the insecurity of starting this course, missing a couple of books and not being able to let it go and let the study be, that I got physically ill because all the stress and anxiety. Of course, my sensible side (which I do have, only it isn’t as strong) tells me that what my anxiety tells me is mostly untrue. Like my mom tells me, everything is going to be okay and that I will just have to let it rest for now.

 

The big and scary world

Have any of you ever watched the film 28 days with Sandra Bullock. The second time I watched it (last weekend) I've had my day therapy behind me and it surprised me that I recognized a lot about the things she went through, even though I am no addict.

The first day you enter the doors you hate everything there, you feel you ended up between a bunch of lunatics, freaks, thinking it is a lot of bullshit that you ended up here. You aren’t crazy or anything, right? This is until you start to realize that you do belong in here, that something is wrong and definitely needs to change. The other patients turned out to be more normal than you initially thought.

After a while you even start to like and care for your fellow patient and it looks like it is the other way around as well. Perhaps this is because you share so much with each other, more than you would with anyone else, things that are extremely personal you tell them makes you feel fragile but still you feel safe enough to tell them. The great thing is when you tell them these things or whenever you feel very anxious, have a specific feeling or struggle again they won’t look at you weirdly, they understand. They know, because they went or are going through the same. You never need to explain, something you forget a little when you step back into society. When you go out again into this big and scary world people won’t understand immediately that you struggle with something think of as normal, you will need to explain. Although not everybody cares and that’s okay,  you only need to get used that everything is different from the safe surroundings at therapy.

Sunday Funday

Last Sunday we had a lovely time with all the women of the family (on my mother’s side) having a workshop sculpting or painting. I have chosen to paint, which you might have guessed considering the picture of my painting above. This was the first time we have done it like this, the years before only my aunts, mother and grandmother went, only this year they divided it would be fun to invite us as well. Everybody was first a bit sceptical about whether they would make something good or worth making, but at the end of the day everyone, both the ones who were sculpting a stone and the ones who were painting, made something they can be proud of. After a very busy but creative day we went to our home to enjoy a BBQ with delicious food and the best ice-cream as dessert. Chatted the evening away and going home tired but satisfied.