A day of wandering

Last Saturday my mum and I had a day of shopping/wandering through Groningen. Something I’ve looked massively forward too, considered I much needed a day without stress or anxiety. Because, as you might know my goal of 2015 is to challenge myself (anxiety wise) and I’ve started this month and it has become almost a daily challenge.

As an extra present a blanket of snow was put over the world that morning. Which made my dog and I very excited and of course we went straight outside to have a play with it, it was Luna’s first snow and I believe it's now her favourite type of weather. So after having played with the snow for a little bit it was time to get ready because we had a train to catch.

Finally we arrived in Groningen, but instead heading straight towards the main shopping streets, we decided to go and wander a bit through bits of Groningen where we normally wouldn’t go. With less familiar shops. Unfortunately, it didn’t go down the way we planned and hope, we first had to get the hang of it. But at the end, we did have a lovely time wandering and eating lunch at Het Concerthuis, which is beautifully decorated and the food and drinks are presented in such a nice and unique way and of course the food was delicious.

Of course, leaving Groningen without buying a few bits and bobs was a bit impossible.

Vanilla Eaude Toilette
I thought I would treat myself with my lovely smelling perfume/Eau de Toilette and this vanilla one from the Bodyshop is perfect as it isn’t your standard perfume smell, which I’m not a fan of. I Think they smell a bit too perfumy, if that makes sense, it probably wouldn’t.

VanillaBrûlée Bath Melt
This one was on sale, only €2,70 and is vanilla fragrance, which is one of my favourite smells. Another reason to buy, this is that I only have three baths worth of lush stuff left.

Notebook
I always had an obsession with owls, but lately foxes have been added to my small list of obsessions. To feed this new obsession of mine, I couldn’t help myself from buying this notebook covered in foxes, especially because I had my eye on this one for quite a while.

Books
These two books came out a store which held a sale and sold all books for only €2, - each, so I had to have a look if they had anything for me there and I found these two books.

Mesh T-shirt dress from Stardust
This is a long shirt (it comes down to my ankles) and has a slit on each side starting from where my ribs end. I think this will be great wearing over almost anything to make an outfit stand out a bit more or just to cover myself up. It’s probably a piece I will get a lot of wear out during spring and summer.

The prettiest books I own
It was love at first sight, because as soon as I saw them I was sold. Of course I asked my mum several times whether it was a good idea to buy them (as I always do because of my forever doubt). But I was asking this whilst holding the books extremely tightly in my arms so that nobody could take them away from me.

 

First step

In my new year’s resolutions I’ve talked about how I wanted to challenge myself. By doing things that lay out of my comfort zone, things that make me feel anxious. The reason to it, my anxiety is still a big obstacle in my daily routine. So this month I took my first step in this, I’ve got a job in my local supermarket for a couple hours  a week. It’s not necessary because I want to, but because it would be good for me to have something to leave the house for and where I’m forced to be with other people. At least this what my psychologist used to tell me all the time, and what my parents tell me every day, so that must be true right?  

It’s only a part-time job as a cashier in a supermarket, nothing exciting or interesting and nothing permanent. It is last week that I’ve started with the training and also with a few hours, something that already cost some panic and anxious feelings. It will probably take a while before it becomes routine, “normal”, and without the uncomforted of anxiousness. But doesn’t that mean this is the right step for me, that it is definitely it lies outside my comfort zone. The plus side is that the people that work there, soon my colleagues, are very nice and friendly, my boss knows of my anxiety with takes the pressure away a bit.

It would be great to feel comfortable in my own skin and I think this is a good step towards that. I hope it will not only bring confidence, but also a routine that makes me productive. Just so that I get things done, such as homework, blog and writing. Things I often procrastinate with, it’s easy to tell myself that I will do it tomorrow because I have enough time and that every day again and again.

I’m floating in the middle of an ocean

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At the moment I have no idea of how my future is going to look, it’s an unfamiliar and slightly uncomfortable feeling. I mean I’ve always had a some clear idea of what my life in a, for a few years was going to look like.  I either wanted to become an archaeologist, a criminologist, a wizard, to discover a world similar to Narnia or wonderland, has a future in the army, etc., etc.… I know they weren’t consistent, but in every moment in my life I felt like I had figured out what I wanted in my life and how to achieve that. But since two years I’ve been a bit lost in that aspect, I only had what I needed to do at the moment such as my therapy.

Journalism I highly doubted if it was the thing for me and was constantly on the hunt for an excuse or escapes, that I didn’t need to have the aspiration to become a journalist or a future in the news business. And soon it also turned out that it was too big of a step considered my anxiety, suddenly I also lost the comfort of being a student for four years and with that a vision on how the next four years were going to look like and be like. Of course soon after that I signed up  for my course, but this was only for a few hours a week and only once a month with fellow students. I started to worry and felt unease with the idea to not know what next, to not even have a way of filling my days.

It’s exciting and freeing, it’s a whole world full of possibility’s and directions ahead of me. But it’s quite terrifying at the same time. It’s like floating in the middle of an ocean, no land in sight, no boat that provides some sort of safety, no idea where you are in the world. An entire ocean underneath you so deep, it’s like staring into a black hole. It’s massive, big and yet it is incredible claustrophobic. Not knowing what lies or lives underneath you, you only can see the things and creatures that are closest to the surface. It could be a large and dangerous sea monster that is swimming under you or a whole other world with mermaids waiting for you to join them.

The best thing about it is that you are forced to live in the moment, you can’t plan very far ahead when you don’t have a clue what is ahead of you. And above I have the opportunity to focus on what is important to me right now; my blog, writing and mental health. Of course I have some dreams I wished to be realised (as we all might have), such as writing a book and get it published. But as it is only a very few who can live of the books they wrote I probably would need to do something besides as well.

Things that make me happy!

My first post of the year, how exiting! And what is better than start the year with a small but positive post. So I made a small list with little things that put a smile on my face.

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

2014 has come to an end, something I not the slightest sad about. For my family and me 2014 has been a year of stress and let-downs. Of course, this doesn’t mean it has been a year of waste. A lot has happened, I’ve finished my therapy, the progress I’ve made with my anxiety has been tremendous considered the difference from me sitting at home too afraid to even walk the dog to where I stand now. But the overall vibe of 2014 hasn’t been great, with my biggest setback the first and only week as a journalist, student, I don’t believe I ever had this big of a panic attack: no sleep, throwing up and many thoughts that haunted my mind. To be honest would this not have happened, I wouldn’t find my course. Something that fits and something I love doing in a group I feel comfortable enough to share the stories I’ve written, receiving feedback and also giving feedback. Which isn’t an easy thing for me.

As for 2015, not much will be needed to make it a better and more positive year. Although I still need to make progress in my anxiety, as I’ve noticed it is still a big thing that sits in the way. There are still many moments I want to start a conversation or when I just want to talk back, but no words will come from my mouth. The only words that in such a situation will come out are yes and no, those aren’t much efficient. It isn’t that my mind goes black, many sentences form in my head but nothing comes out. Another thing that bothers me is that I still get very anxious about the silliest things, that don’t need to be worried about.

                I will make an effort to be more positive and push myself to make progress. For a fresh beginning of a new year we decided to write all the negativity, all the things we do not wish to see back in 2015 on a piece of paper who we will set to fire. So that those things will stay in 2014.

On to my New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Write More!!The new year is going to be a year of writing. Writing for my blog, my course and other bits and pieces I want to write. Write, write, write!!
2. Draw/Paint.I used to draw every day, it was something I loved doing and created some piece in my head. I would love to pick up drawing and painting again in 2015, since I barely do it anymore.
3. Eat less crap!This is something my mom and I already made a start with the last couple of months, we have started to eat less processed food and making our dinner from scratch with fresh ingredients. January we will step up our game and stop eating sugar, of course, this doesn’t mean we will never eat sugar, but only on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. But with this as prospect I kind off went overboard with eating candy and sugary treats, the last months. So much that my dentist won’t be happy when he sees my tooth as I’m pretty sure I have a hole in it, because it hurts when I eat.  
4. To challenge myself!!!!So 2015 is going to be a year of challenging myself to do the thing outside my comfort zone. My first step will be to have a small job for only a couple of hours a week, so that I will have a reason to get out of the house, be among other human beings and create a rhythm for myself so I might get more productive.
5. Read more!I love reading, but most of the time I just find other things to do and sometimes it’s just passing time and the perfect opportunity to read. I’m going to set a goal for myself and it will be 21 books in a year, as 21 is the age I will turn in 2015.

These are my five resolutions that I will stick to!

I hope 2015 is going to be a good and positive year for everyone.

Happy 2015

Everybody is equal

Everybody is equal, therefore everybody should be treated as such. No matter colour your skin is.

Over time a lot on this matter is changed, but not enough. Racism is still something that is happening every day. You might have heard on the news, internet about protest in America and perhaps other signs. Discrimination is so deeply rooted that sometimes we discriminate without knowing we do, this to me was very upsetting. Because I would like to say that in every situation, I wouldn’t, but I’m not sure how I would react when in a situation. Personally, I think this is a bad thing that needs to be changed drastically.

Although I might not be the person to say anything on this matter, as I don’t know a lot about this matter and have never experienced discrimination myself. Also, I’m not the person to change it either, I do not have the money, dominance or connection to make a difference. But looking away and pretending it doesn’t exist, it isn’t happening, will not make it better or go away either. I think if enough people will talk about this topic and start realizing what is happening, someone might either find the solution or people will become more aware of their actions (although not everybody will, sadly).

I know this isn’t anything like what I normally put on my blog, but as Louise, from sprinkle of glitter, pointed out to me that talking about this and make people more aware is a step in the right direction and I would happily help will that.

Not that pretty, but delicious anyway

Already a week of the month December has passed and I feel as if December is running away with me. For today I wanted to do a baking post of a recipe I wanted to make since last year out of my wonderful Christmas cookbook. This hasn’t been a grand success, they don’t look in the slightest way on the picture in the book. Although the taste is fine, delicious even, and that is the reason I still wanted to share them with you.

You need:

2  egg whites
275 g  icing sugar
150 g almonds, finely ground
1 ½ tablespoon of cinnamon

Recipe:

Beat the eggs with a wooden spoon in a big bowl. Gradually add the icing sugar to the eggs and mix together until smooth. Mix in the tablespoons of cinnamon. Hold 100 grams of this mixture/frosting covered aside for later.  Now it is time for you to use your hands. Mix the almonds to the mixture (you can add ½ teaspoon of water, but first mix well with your hands. The heat will soften the mixture).

Sprinkle a bit of icing sugar on your working surface, to prevent your mixture to stick to it. Roll the dough/mixture till a thickness of 3mm. Divide a thin layer of the left over frosting on top of your dough (make sure you don’t put on a too thick of a layer as I did, it made everything a bit messy). Leave this, uncovered, for 30-35 min until the frosting is hardened.

 

Preheat the oven to 150◦C.

 

Create the shapes of your cookies with a cookie cutter, doesn’t necessarily need to be a star. Before you start cutting out your cookies, coat them with a little icing sugar, so the dough won’t stick as much.

Put them in the oven for about ten minutes total, until they are slightly firm. 5 minutes on the doughy side and 5 minutes on the icing side.

Leave them to cool down completely.