The hard truth

So I was in doubt about posting this, but then I figured, hey this is my blog and I started it to have fun and to do thing I normally wouldn’t. And posting this would mean that the change I will work these problems out will increase, because it is out in the open, the facts are exposed on the internet and therefore in front of me to see. So even though I feel this might be a little to much of me showing, I will put it up. So here I go!!

This week some things have got to me. It all started Monday the 10^th when my mom and I drove to Groningen to get my bike. I was telling her how nervous and scared I actually was for me to start my first day of work coming Thursday. Where she answered with “where aren’t you scared of?”. I did want to answer that one, but I just couldn’t find anything where I don’t get nervous or anxious about. And that is something I had not realized before. I know it is not a bad thing to be a little nervous about something (it’s completely normal), but that’s my point, I don’t get a little nervous, when I’m nervous it isn’t normal at all anymore, I just literally die a little. I mean when something big, new and unfamiliar is about to happen I get sick, nausea and a lot more.

An other thing my mom has sad to me the same way (she just dropped it, I do that as well if I don’t want to hurt anyone, but what I am telling is secretly the truth) is this: My mom and I where looking through old pictures of me (I had to do that for an assignment from my course) and noticed I lived at 5 different places. My mom “that explains your fear of commitment”. At first I thought “I don’t have a fear of commitment”, but when I started thinking and took a look over relationships and friendships I have had during my life, I noticed that (especially the last 5-6 years) I’ve done a variations of things to push people away and then when I barely saw people I made myself believe that they where mean and vicious (what was not the truth, I saw that every time I met them again).

So she might actually be right with those “accusations”. For me this means I have another thing to work on for this year (like I haven’t planned enough).

So just to explain of what kind of things I am actually scared off:
- New things (like starting a job somewhere where I’m not familiar)
- When I don’t know what is ahead for me (so this year I scares the living daylights out of me)
- To go alone (for example; to a shop that is just across the street, but anywhere really)
- When my feature or just anything important is depending on a situation or experience. And if you think I feel save and calm at home you’re wrong, because then I will daydream and make a situation what “again” scares the living daylights out of me. (sigh…..)

I don’t think it is anything really serious, “yet“, but I think it is a smart thing to do to work on this. With a little help of my family, my blog and some positive thoughts I probably can sort this out, if not, I will find another way.

So this all means that I have to force myself to do things I would normally not, things that scare me or make me nervous. Bring it on!!!

I believe it have been a long time ago since I’ve posted such a serious and exposing post in a while. Less serious post will be up soon as well J