I’m floating in the middle of an ocean

[image]

 

At the moment I have no idea of how my future is going to look, it’s an unfamiliar and slightly uncomfortable feeling. I mean I’ve always had a some clear idea of what my life in a, for a few years was going to look like.  I either wanted to become an archaeologist, a criminologist, a wizard, to discover a world similar to Narnia or wonderland, has a future in the army, etc., etc.… I know they weren’t consistent, but in every moment in my life I felt like I had figured out what I wanted in my life and how to achieve that. But since two years I’ve been a bit lost in that aspect, I only had what I needed to do at the moment such as my therapy.

Journalism I highly doubted if it was the thing for me and was constantly on the hunt for an excuse or escapes, that I didn’t need to have the aspiration to become a journalist or a future in the news business. And soon it also turned out that it was too big of a step considered my anxiety, suddenly I also lost the comfort of being a student for four years and with that a vision on how the next four years were going to look like and be like. Of course soon after that I signed up  for my course, but this was only for a few hours a week and only once a month with fellow students. I started to worry and felt unease with the idea to not know what next, to not even have a way of filling my days.

It’s exciting and freeing, it’s a whole world full of possibility’s and directions ahead of me. But it’s quite terrifying at the same time. It’s like floating in the middle of an ocean, no land in sight, no boat that provides some sort of safety, no idea where you are in the world. An entire ocean underneath you so deep, it’s like staring into a black hole. It’s massive, big and yet it is incredible claustrophobic. Not knowing what lies or lives underneath you, you only can see the things and creatures that are closest to the surface. It could be a large and dangerous sea monster that is swimming under you or a whole other world with mermaids waiting for you to join them.

The best thing about it is that you are forced to live in the moment, you can’t plan very far ahead when you don’t have a clue what is ahead of you. And above I have the opportunity to focus on what is important to me right now; my blog, writing and mental health. Of course I have some dreams I wished to be realised (as we all might have), such as writing a book and get it published. But as it is only a very few who can live of the books they wrote I probably would need to do something besides as well.