Evetything you want is on the other side of fear (my social anxiety)

I wanted to post this for quite some time now, but that hasn’t been easy. I’ve written this over and over, then deleting again and write once more. I just couldn’t get satisfied with it, not that I’m ever satisfied with what I write. It’s just that I’m really someone who would expose herself that easily, I normally never share personal things, not anywhere. That’s why talking about this subject is so difficult, but I wanted to do so anyway. Why? Because I want to share my story about and my experiences with social anxiety. And reading similar posts or YouTube videos where others tell their stories and how they dealing with anxiety has helped me a lot. It helped me to accept myself a bit more, told me I’m not alone in this and that getting some help is not a big deal or weird even, it’s something that is there to help you. I hope that by writing this post, it does the same to you!

I’ve never been a very self-confident girl. No matter what I did or what I succeeded in, I always should have done better, write better, been better. I was never enough.

I have always been very shy, even as a child (I have never grown out of it). I did have friends and did not hide or avoid anything when I was younger, though. I even could take a stand for myself if I needed to, but never have I liked being in the centre of the attention. I would turn red, my hands would become sweaty and I would most prefer to just run away. It started to become a problem a bit later, around the end of secondary school. I didn’t get out as much, basically I only went to school. I started to spend my days hiding for everything, because all human contact made me feel a bit anxious, awkward. I filled my days with daydreaming about all the things I would do if I weren’t so afraid, those dreams became my only comfort zone. But living your life like that is not ideal, because every time you return to the “real world” it’s a let down. Living like this does not really give the insurance to a happy life, that’s why I wanted to change. Which is not as easy as it sounds.

It has been almost three months now since I started therapy, to face my fears and work my way through my anxiety. I have to be honest, this is not as fun as it sounds :). The first few weeks are just terrifying, after that it starts to get a little easier. But never have it has been fun, it’s hard work you know. But now to look more positively, I have to say I accomplished more than I thought in these couple of months. I have already faced my fears daily, which is exhausting.

With only 3 months more to go I determined to do everything that I’m capable of to make the change I want happen. I’m going to fill my mind with more positive and realistic thoughts, exposing myself to my fears and hopefully this is going to make me feel more confident and stronger. I do know that after I finished my therapy it is not likely that my anxiety have disappeared, this will probably always be a weakness of mine.