My blog is moving!!

For a while now I’ve been pondering about whether I should take the next step and move my blog and get a domain. Perhaps you’ve already guessed by the title  I made the decision to go for it. Mostly because I haven’t been too happy about the content I’ve been putting up and I feel a new place to blog is a great fresh start. My blog name will be the same as now and I will take a few posts from here with me, short stories mostly. You will find me here.

I plan to most more regular, but at the same time take the time to do it right (just so I’m content with what I put up). It won’t be a completely different blog when you go over there, I still plan on doing monthly favourites (things I love on the new blog), I will post more on my mental health (social anxiety and OCD), more short stories, more on (my take on) fashion, adventures I will be on and every so often a recipe.

http://www.themyrtaceae.com/

January favourites 2016

Normally the beginning of January brings excitement and energy to start the new year, to change everything. But this time I barely couldn’t move myself. It had a bit of a blue Monday feel to it, blegh would be the only way to describe it. The idea that I have no clue to what is coming (something you can’t really know anyway, I know) of having no idea where to start, what the next step is going to be overwhelmed me. Throughout my life I always had a plan, a clear idea where I’m heading, some fantasy how my life was going to be from day to day. Alright, they were never true, they never happened and often realized it wasn’t what I thought it was or what I wanted. But for a short period of time I felt like I knew what was waiting for me.
But at the moment, no matter how hard I try I just don’t know and that makes me afraid, it makes me feel I’m not in control (which obviously you can’t be for a 100%). You can’t prepare if you don’t know what is coming and that is difficult for someone who wants to prepare for everything.

My surroundings haven’t been stress free. A little while ago I told you about someone close ended up in the hospital, well this someone still isn’t quite up with recovering. Which brings a whole set of worries. And there are some other little things.

I think that all those thoughts that wander through my mind, all those worries and all things that happen without me having any kind of control has had its influence on my OCD. Because lately it has been really bad. It seems I can’t do anything to get some grip on it. It sometimes feels like I’m in a deep pit filled with water and slippery walls with nothing to hold on to.

And something a bit sillier, but something that doesn’t make me feel great. My hair, I’m growing out my pixie cut and wait till my hair has grown into a short bob. But I find myself in this awkward stage where nothing I try to do with my hair makes it looks good or even presentable. I knew of course that this awkward stage would come, it always happens when you try to grow your hair out. But hair takes so slow to grow and I only need a centimeter or five.
And at last I’ve been feeling as if spring is just around the corner. I have felt such a craving to organize my wardrobe get through all of my summer/spring clothes and sort it out. Normally this doesn’t happen until march. I gave in and threw out a lot of clothes and now I’m left with only bits of outfits and need to go on a hunt to fill the holes up. I suppose I just need some change, a change of mind, a change of scenery, a change of setting. A bit more of a positive surroundings, a bit more colour in wardrobe (it consists of mostly red, orange and black. I feel a bit bored of it and in need of greens and blues) and in life (I need flowers to blossom).

Paint:
This month I got a bit more creative, I have been painting, drawing and making collages. I got finally around using this paint and I’m a fan.

My father’s old cardigan:
It’s big and I can fit my whole body in it if I would want to, all I need to do is crawl up. I have been feeling cold so much that I always wore this sweater over my clothes when I’m at home.

Diary 2016, flow:
It’s my first Diary which contains a calendar year, and it is a great one. It’s filled with many quotes, for every week one, pretty patterns. It came with a little notebook, and I love notebooks. But above all it is pretty and handy.

Driving fun?, 9 days until Christmas

[image]

I know there are many people who love to drive, who find it something fun and relaxing. I’m just not one of them. It might be because my wandering mind that isn’t allowed to wander when driving. Perhaps it’s responsibility or the possibility an accident might happen. I just do not feel confident behind the wheel. I did when the driversintructer was still next to me and had a break himself, so he could take control if it was needed.

When I was still learning and had a lesson every week, my driversintructer (especially in the beginning) told me he was worried about me not always a 100% there. Of course I wasn’t, Daydreaming was and still is something I did when I sat in a car staring out the window. Obviously this habit was something that needed to be gone when I am sitting behind the wheel. But it still doesn’t come or feels natural not to do and adds quite a bit of extra stress, as I need to tell myself constantly I need to focus and that my mind should not wander. Another is that I find myself often that the car isn’t doing exactly what I wish to do. But perhaps this all will get better if I start to drive more often and get used to be behind the wheel. It was last October last year I passed my drivers exam, but the times I have driven can probably be counted on both hands.

London day 3, 13 days until Christmas

 

Day 3 Wednesday, 25 November 2015, 

After yet another night full of sleep, we walked towards the tower bridge, another classic when it comes to trips to London. We had passed it yesterday evening on the bus as well, but wanted to see it during the daylight as well. Plus a great point to walk from along the Thames. From the first of December there would have been an adorable Christmas market, but unfortunately we won’t be there then.

Next stop the St. Pauls cathedral, it’s huge and beautiful. Perhaps a bit strange, but I thought the backside with the trees was much prettier than the front. I guess that’s just a matter of opinion. We only went a few steps inside, but thought it was too expensive to go in. But just seeing it was good enough for now.

There is a whole lot more to do, so up to the next stop. Kings cross, to see 9 ¾ something that warmed my Harry Potter heart very much. And the shop next to it was of much my delight as well and would have bought everything in the store if I had enough money, but I didn’t so I had to make some choices.
Kings cross was just a quick stop, now it was about the books. I had chosen two bookshops I wanted to go to. One a second hand, where I bought four Narnia books. The next bookshop was better than I imagined, Persephone books. The atmosphere was a delight, the books beautiful. The atmosphere was so good that without anxiety I asked the saleslady for help. This is something I never do, I always feel so nervous and anxious in stores, especially when it’s quiet inside and it was. But when I decide to step towards a saleslady I get all nervous, I stutter and no words come out of my mouth like I intended. In this store nothing, just a normal conversation. The lady was so excited and was telling about the books in such a passionate way that it made it very easy for me to ask for help in finding a book. I didn’t knew where to start so any help was needed and now I have a book I’m excited to start to read.
So if you ever find yourself in London and you happen to be a book lover, I recommend to go and have a look in this bookshop yourself. I know I will the next time I’m around.

Now we had my highlight of the trip we had planned to go to Oxford street and see the Christmas lights. By this time my mood had changed drastically, my exhaustion had caught up with me and because of the many people that walk in Oxford street my anxiety got triggered. Not to mention that my feet were killing me and the heavy bag full of books we had no time to drop off. It was almost the entire time I was on Oxford street I felt this way, but luckily it melted away eventually. 

09:00 pm time to get some dinner before we head towards the hotel again.

What was I happy to finally lay in bed and have a proper rest to my swollen feet.

 

 

 

 

The Persephone shop: 59 Lamb's Conduit Street London.

[image]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lets go wander

I still have quite a lot of footage from my holiday left, which I’m using up right now. It’s a great way to still get some blog posts done, but leaves some time to get my writing done and other things I would like to get done. It’s something I quite enjoy doing, even if it isn’t the best quality or best work in the world, I still like to do it from time to time. I am planning to get some other posts up as well, but lately I feel a bit stuck in the creativity department. This happens from time to time, I suppose it’s linked with my social anxiety. Because when I get stuck it often means, my head is filled with doubt, I constantly compare myself to others which always leads to me to think all negative things about the things I’ve done, made or even think. Not to worry, I also know that with some time I will feel better and exited again. It’s just like having a bad day, everyone has those.

A little update, in my last favourites I told you about someone ending up in the hospital. This person is now home and thinks are looking a bit up again. Of course, there is still a long way off recovery left, but the first steps are made.

I'm back!

[image]

It’s been a while since I’ve done a post and I’m sorry for that, I really didn’t mean to. But because introduction camp and college were coming closer and closer I got really scared and anxious, which resulted in me escaping to my fantasy world hiding from the reality (it all got a bit too real I guess). The only times I did get out into reality was whenever I needed to do some preparation for college, such as ordering books, a new laptop, etc. But now I’m back and I will try my hardest to get as many posts up as possible.

My introduction camp has been a blast, but having said that, it also has been the biggest and scariest thing I’ve done so far, even harder than I expected it would be. I had expected that as soon as I got in the building and interacted with other human beings the panic, remaining from the very large panic attack I had in the car before entering the building (it had been such a while I had such a panic attack), would be gone. But it didn’t it lasted the first one and a half day, it was crawling just underneath my skin waiting for one last trigger to escape again. This might perhaps be because everything from this introduction was a secret, we knew nothing about where we would sleep or what we would be going to do, but none the less I survived, even more than that. I interacted with others, had a laugh and a very great time this week. I can say I feel very proud of myself and I think I have another victory.

Tomorrow will be another big day as I’m moving out to live with my Grandmother until I find a place of my own. Reason for me to live there is because it is a lot closer and I won’t be traveling as much as I would if I stayed home and therefore I will have more time left for blogging. Another thing that will be happening very soon, Monday the first of September, is my first day of college, which of course I feel nervous for and slightly exited.  
I still have to prove myself I can do this, because I’m still not convinced I can become a journalist in training, I mean I will be having to do a lot of things that are out of my comfort zone (it might not be the most logical step to make for someone with social anxiety), but of course it would be great to expand my comfort zone, to become more comfortable for me and of course it will be a great adventure where I can grow and learn a lot.

Something I never done Before

You might know from reading my Liebster award post, that the people I know (like friends and family) have never seen my blog or even know that I have a blog. And because I do want to share the thing I enjoy most with the people I love, I thought that my parents should be the first to have a look, because right now they are the only ones (together with my aunt) who know that I’m blogging and are very curious about it.

Of course I don’t want to just give them a link and be done with it, what I would like is to make a little present out of it.

This summer might be the last time we spent it the way we always did, together as a family, we all know that this year lots of things will change, I will move out, study, make friends and we don’t know how next year will look like. And that’s why I thought this would be a great time to give my parents the link to my blog, which they have been waiting for such a long time (I know they have). Like I said I wanted to make it a bit more like a present, so what I’m thinking of doing is to write it on the back of a card and give this card at the end of a day where we would have spent the entire day of having fun together as a family, perhaps at dinner.

Now I did limit my choice to just two cards, but I’m not sure which one I like more for this occasion. So if any of you have a suggestion on which one you like most, please let me know, because it would be very helpful. If you are wondering about what the first card says (it is in Dutch), it says: Lots of love (Veel liefs).

I feel so nervous about doing this, as I know how much of a big step this is. Also, I know my parents would appreciate it and probably be surprised about me getting these cards on my own and in such a spontaneous way. Even I am very surprised, I know what is the big deal right, well, I have never done such a thing before I used to stay home and not leave the house, last year I would be terrified to do this and therefore I would not have gone on a spontaneous trip to the store. This show how much I have grown this year and makes this present even a greater deal for my parents.

Thunderstorms

Doors wide open, sitting as close as we could, rain falling inside and touching my skin, wind roughly playing my hair while thunder moved the earth and lighting lighted the world. Mom telling my brother and me to smile, because we were being photographed by someone up there. Cooling the heat of the day down, hearing rain drop on the roof.

     The times where my Mom and Dad woke us up in the middle of the night to watch the thunderstorm in front an open door, on our terrace or in front a window with our pyjamas still on and only half awake with sleep in our eyes. It was like magic watching the lighting against the dark sky lighting our house and listen to the mighty thunder shaking the earth.

While others go inside to hide or even lock themselves up in their toilets, because they’re scared, we didn’t, we weren’t. We sat outside and enjoying it, we always have and probably always will. I must admit that when I was little I never understood it when friends told me they were scared of it, how could they be scared of something so beautiful, I enjoyed it from the first moment my family and I watched it together. For me it was and is one of those magical childhood memories you love and adore and will never ever forget. It still is one of the things I love most of life and it’s still as magical and special it once was.

This doesn’t mean I do not feel fear when I’m cycling or walking in an open area with me as the highest point while thunder is above me, I do know thunder and lightning brings danger and I could get struck by lightning (my mom and dad taught me that). But when I sit safely at home on our terrace, it relaxes me.

 

Volunteer work

This Neckless has been made for me by a 4 year old girl in the class I work with.

In the last two months of therapy I have started doing volunteer work at a local school. This was/is too

Get out my home and under the people, but also as a place where I can work on my anxiety and to make another step out of my comfort zone. I will do this volunteer work until the summer holidays which will start on the 5^th of July.

Even though I have done this for two months I still feel very anxious when I need to go and am not completely comfortable, but it does get better. And I notice I already do things that six months ago I thought of as unthinkable. Another thing I got to know about is, that I like children and that is what I work with. Especially the little ones because they have a way of thinking we all have lost when we grew up. Which is sad, it’s such a fun way of thinking.

Another thing that I like is when they proudly tell or show what they have made or done. They give each other compliments and help each other, I like to see that.

But even though I like doing this I don’t actually want to become a teacher, but I do want to have a child of my own one day in the very future.

A chapter closed

Thanks to my therapy I have learned a lot, I got more open and that is not just me who noticed it’s everyone around me that does. I have changed a lot and feel a lot better in my own skin now.
Not that it all have been oh so much fun, it wasn’t (except for the breaks with the others). I had to get over my own boundaries every single day to expand my comfort zone and that is the most scary and exhausting thing you can do I think. The last month I took a huge sprint so I could get everything out of therapy that I needed. Doing as such was very intensive, because you are constantly confronted with yourself, your fears and your problems. And those things I have been hiding from for many years.


And for six months I had no breaks, no rest moments. You might understand that everything about me is exhausted, my brain, my body and it really have begun to show. My skin is full of red spots, break outs. My body has lost weight (not that I could afford that, I have always been skinny) and is always hungry, I don’t believe I have ever eaten so much and so many times. The first moment I really realized I lost weight was when I was looking through some old pictures from a year ago, in my face it was very much showing. Another thing that I noticed was that I have never been so many times sick in six months, it was almost every other month, and with sick, I mean really sick, more sick than I have been in years.


Now I don’t want to complain, because it brought me very far and was worth every little bit. It helped me to live with my anxiety, how to deal with it and have helped me to be less anxious in general. It has made me stronger.


And now it is time to say goodbye and close this chapter.

(This card is what everybody gets when he or she says goodbye at therapy at the UCP, and so did I. It's filled with lovely messages and pictures that fits me. I loved me and made me realize I will going to miss all of them. Together with missing them, I find it terrifying I will have to do this on my own now.)

Walking backwards

Sick to my stomach I felt, the colour of my face disappeared, my body trembled, when I was walking towards the street where my shaming would happen. The Herenstraat in Groningen, it was crowded with people. I took a deep breath and turned myself around. I started to walk backwards. I felt the eyes of people burning in my back, out of the corners of my eyes, I saw some people pointing and giggling at me. I felt awkward. I started to walk faster, so it would end sooner. I crossed my imaginary finish line and turned again. Walking as fast as I could away from the shame and the people.

You might wonder where I was talking about, or why I would walk backwards down a busy shopping street. Well, this is what happened. In therapy they told me it would be could if I would do a shaming. A shaming? A shaming is something weird, out of the ordinary, something where you feel ashamed or awkward doing and that is normal, because everyone would feel weird when doing a shaming, simply because it is something not many people would even consider doing. A shaming is not your goal, it is something to help you to get to your goal. When you do a shaming, you’re terrified, but when you have done it, most things you first think are terrifying seem to be a lot easier and less scary or terrifying to do.

Now we know what a shaming and why you would do that, does it work? I can say yes, it does work. But walking backwards down a busy street with people looking, pointing and laughing at you was horrible. Not that I blame the people, because when I’m honest, I think I would do the same. It is a bit weird. But the feeling of shame and awkwardness is worth it, it made doing all the things I had in front of me to do and that terrified me a lot easier and nothing compared walking backwards.

It is something that I didn't really like doing, but what really helped me and something I will remember whenever I look up against doing something.

"In the silence of your bones and eyes forgotten magic sits and waits for fire"

Isn’t it a bit ironic when I say the people I like the most are always a bit different, weird, not like everyone else. They have something what attracts me, sometimes inspires me, but mostly they make me jealous that they can be themselves and feel comfortable. But when it comes to me, I want to hide, not stand out and to achieve that I would wear what everyone else is wearing, I try to look and act alike. Not that this actually makes me feel comfortable, it’s just that it feels and perhaps is safe.
I’m sure I’m not the only one when I say that it’s so much easier to see the good things when you look to others than when you look at yourself.

A while ago I happened to hear a conversation where a girl told she was afraid to turn up like everyone else if she would start a certain study. She was scared that she would become the kind of person she never want to be, not herself. She said it’s stupid to try to be like everyone else if you're not like everyone else, that she tried it herself, she was bullied in the past because she was different and wanted to fit in. She started the most “normal study”, started to wear “normal” clothes and wear her hair “normal” (it’s where I thought; that’s exactly what I’m doing now and done for a couple years), only she could only keep it up for only a few days before she started to long to herself. (The longing I know too, but the my anxiety was stronger).
She does have a point about being yourself, it’s kind of a waste to always be someone else.

Now that I’m doing my very best to get over my anxiety, and I’m doing pretty good with that I’ve already changed so much and feel already more confident, I wanted to start working “myself” to make my comfort zone bigger and stop hiding behind my “save” clothes. I know this won’t happen overnight, it’s been something I do for so long that it became normal and hard to imagine different, it will take time, perhaps a couple months or maybe even a year. I will take small steps. My first step would be writing and posting this, to share a bit more about me (the real me not the one I hide behind, even though she is part of me too).

Evetything you want is on the other side of fear (my social anxiety)

I wanted to post this for quite some time now, but that hasn’t been easy. I’ve written this over and over, then deleting again and write once more. I just couldn’t get satisfied with it, not that I’m ever satisfied with what I write. It’s just that I’m really someone who would expose herself that easily, I normally never share personal things, not anywhere. That’s why talking about this subject is so difficult, but I wanted to do so anyway. Why? Because I want to share my story about and my experiences with social anxiety. And reading similar posts or YouTube videos where others tell their stories and how they dealing with anxiety has helped me a lot. It helped me to accept myself a bit more, told me I’m not alone in this and that getting some help is not a big deal or weird even, it’s something that is there to help you. I hope that by writing this post, it does the same to you!

I’ve never been a very self-confident girl. No matter what I did or what I succeeded in, I always should have done better, write better, been better. I was never enough.

I have always been very shy, even as a child (I have never grown out of it). I did have friends and did not hide or avoid anything when I was younger, though. I even could take a stand for myself if I needed to, but never have I liked being in the centre of the attention. I would turn red, my hands would become sweaty and I would most prefer to just run away. It started to become a problem a bit later, around the end of secondary school. I didn’t get out as much, basically I only went to school. I started to spend my days hiding for everything, because all human contact made me feel a bit anxious, awkward. I filled my days with daydreaming about all the things I would do if I weren’t so afraid, those dreams became my only comfort zone. But living your life like that is not ideal, because every time you return to the “real world” it’s a let down. Living like this does not really give the insurance to a happy life, that’s why I wanted to change. Which is not as easy as it sounds.

It has been almost three months now since I started therapy, to face my fears and work my way through my anxiety. I have to be honest, this is not as fun as it sounds :). The first few weeks are just terrifying, after that it starts to get a little easier. But never have it has been fun, it’s hard work you know. But now to look more positively, I have to say I accomplished more than I thought in these couple of months. I have already faced my fears daily, which is exhausting.

With only 3 months more to go I determined to do everything that I’m capable of to make the change I want happen. I’m going to fill my mind with more positive and realistic thoughts, exposing myself to my fears and hopefully this is going to make me feel more confident and stronger. I do know that after I finished my therapy it is not likely that my anxiety have disappeared, this will probably always be a weakness of mine.