For a while now I’ve
been pondering about whether I should take the next step and move my blog and
get a domain. Perhaps you’ve already guessed by the title I made the decision to go for it. Mostly
because I haven’t been too happy about the content I’ve been putting up and I feel
a new place to blog is a great fresh start. My blog name will be the same as
now and I will take a few posts from here with me, short stories mostly. You will find me here.
I plan to most more regular, but at the same time take the time to do it right
(just so I’m content with what I put up). It won’t be a completely different
blog when you go over there, I still plan on doing monthly favourites (things I
love on the new blog), I will post more on my mental health (social anxiety and
OCD), more short stories, more on (my take on) fashion, adventures I will be on
and every so often a recipe.
Normally
the beginning of January brings excitement and energy to start the new year, to
change everything. But this time I barely couldn’t move myself. It had a bit of
a blue Monday feel to it, blegh would be the only way to describe it. The idea
that I have no clue to what is coming (something you can’t really know anyway, I
know) of having no idea where to start, what the next step is going to be overwhelmed
me. Throughout my life I always had a plan, a clear idea where I’m heading,
some fantasy how my life was going to be from day to day. Alright, they were
never true, they never happened and often realized it wasn’t what I thought it
was or what I wanted. But for a short period of time I felt like I knew what
was waiting for me.
But at the moment, no matter how hard I try I just don’t know and that makes me
afraid, it makes me feel I’m not in control (which obviously you can’t be for a
100%). You can’t prepare if you don’t know what is coming and that is difficult
for someone who wants to prepare for everything.
My surroundings haven’t been stress free. A little while ago I told you about someone
close ended up in the hospital, well this someone still isn’t quite up with
recovering. Which brings a whole set of worries. And there are some other
little things.
I think that
all those thoughts that wander through my mind, all those worries and all
things that happen without me having any kind of control has had its influence on
my OCD. Because lately it has been really bad. It seems I can’t do anything to
get some grip on it. It sometimes feels like I’m in a deep pit filled with
water and slippery walls with nothing to hold on to.
And something a bit sillier, but something that doesn’t make me feel great. My
hair, I’m growing out my pixie cut and wait till my hair has grown into a short
bob. But I find myself in this awkward stage where nothing I try to do with my
hair makes it looks good or even presentable. I knew of course that this
awkward stage would come, it always happens when you try to grow your hair out.
But hair takes so slow to grow and I only need a centimeter or five.
And at last I’ve been feeling as if spring is just around the corner. I have
felt such a craving to organize my wardrobe get through all of my summer/spring
clothes and sort it out. Normally this doesn’t happen until march. I gave in
and threw out a lot of clothes and now I’m left with only bits of outfits and need
to go on a hunt to fill the holes up. I suppose I just need some change, a change
of mind, a change of scenery, a change of setting. A bit more of a positive surroundings,
a bit more colour in wardrobe (it consists of mostly red, orange and black. I feel
a bit bored of it and in need of greens and blues) and in life (I need flowers
to blossom).
Paint:
This month I got a bit more creative, I have been painting, drawing and making
collages. I got finally around using this paint and I’m a fan.
My father’s old cardigan:
It’s big and I can fit my whole body in it if I would want to, all I need to do
is crawl up. I have been feeling cold so much that I always wore this sweater
over my clothes when I’m at home.
Diary 2016, flow:
It’s my first Diary which contains a calendar year, and it is a great one. It’s
filled with many quotes, for every week one, pretty patterns. It came with a
little notebook, and I love notebooks. But above all it is pretty and handy.
The last
couple of days this month I really struggled with finding posts to fill up what
is left of my 25 posts in a month challenge. It’s because of this that I
decided to write about how I experienced this past month’s challenge.
Well, it wasn’t quite what I expected. I expected it would be easier I suppose,
that it would take less time and that my anxiety would be less triggered. I had
no space left to do anything else creative, which I had planned. My head was
constantly filled with to do lists and would go over and over those lists out
of worry I would not make it.
This December I’ve done a lot of things that lay far away from my comfort zone;
filming in public areas, in two of my posts, my face is to be seen (yes I feel insecure
aboutthat), I have been posting posts
and videos that could be read by anyone that is familiar and anyone who is not
and I even give my opinion on something. Alright, I knew most of this already,
I’ve always felt a little nervous when I posted something. But normally there
was some time in between where I could pretend I did not or at least to get
used to it. Now it was something that needed to be happening every single day.
Not that it was all bad, I have learned a lot about myself and my blog. Had a
lot of practice with editing. Learned that I much rather take the time to
create a post and create it the best I can than to do it quickly because it
needs to be up soon. I feel much more confident that way. I discovered what
posts I like to make and which ones I don’t. For example, I discovered that I
really enjoyed making the clothes close-up videos (week 1, week 2 & week 3)
more than I thought I would. So much even that I might make it into a monthly
thing (not weekly, I do not have that many clothes). Don’t you worry my blog
won’t turn into a fashion blog, there are people who can do that better, it
will only be something extra to enjoy.
I’ve learned more about what direction I want my blog to take.
But above all I proved myself I could do this, I had my doubts. And of course
to push myself out of my comfort zone is a good thing too.
It’s the last day, tonight we will fly back to the Netherlands. Today we have
planned all the left over thing. Going to Nothing Hill, because there were some
scarfs people wanted to buy. Ice skating in the Hyde Park, because last time we
had no time to. The days were planned too full. Ice skating was fun, although
my feet would tell a different story, but that doesn’t matter because overall I
enjoyed it.
Having a proper lunch, there wouldn’t be much time to have a proper dinner tonight.
A Burger it is. I decided to have a vegetarian burger, I wasn’t feeling it to
eat meat.
I wanted to have a look at the Lush on Oxford street and give the solid
lipstick a try, we had a little walk. Then the time was up, we had to go back
to our hotel, pick up our suitcases and start our journey back home.
This time we had time to empty our bladders before we had to get on the plane.
Although the way back they were stricter, we could bring less fluids than
before and had to throw some things away. We were not allowed to have another
separate handbag, which definitely caused some panic. I have a bulky camera bag
that had to find its way to one of our suitcases.
When we almost fitted all our stuff into the back, we were told that there
wasn’t any room for our suitcases anyway and that we could take our handbags
out again. Our suitcases would go where the big suitcases always go.
It was evening so the
flight was in the dark. I love to see the lights from above of both cities.
London has more rounder forms than Amsterdam, in Amsterdam there are a lot more
squares and straight lines.
We land, but our journey is not over yet, we have to drive home still. This
time the roads are empty which makes the journey a whole lot faster.
Grandma’s home, we sit and talk a bit about what this trip was like, what we
liked the most and have a little snack. But because it’s late, it is time for
me to go home. My mom was so kind to pick me up, gladly so I couldn’t bare
another night like the first (with no sleep at all). It’s an hour drive and we
will not be back until 01:45 am. I’m exhausted but glad to be home where
everything is up to size. Everything was small in London, the toilet, the sink,
the mirror was too low to see my face and I was too tall for the shower. I had
to bend my knees to fit my head under, but I couldn’t bend forward to do the
same thing because the shower was too narrow. But here at home, I have all the
space I need and clean towels (no hairs are found, not even dog ones and we
have a Newfoundlander) and clean floor with no mud stains or anything, no
cracks in the walls our poorly painted ceilings as we did in the hotel. I was
home had a clean bed waiting for me and very soft pajama pants. It’s funny you
feel so much more cleaner when you shower the first time your home after a
vacation or trip and how incredibly create the bed feels. No spirals sticking
in my back or a pillow so flat you can hardly call it a pillow. I can tell you
I never slept so good and didn’t want to leave the bed next morning.
I have enjoyed London incredibly so, even though there were moments my anxiety
and OCD took over. And to be honest, I feel proud that I did so well, because
before I would go I had my doubts I would make it through these four days. It’s
definitely good to leave your comfort zone every now and then and push yourself
to do what you are afraid of. It’s only then you will grow and change to be a
better and stronger you.
After yet another night full of sleep, we walked towards the tower bridge,
another classic when it comes to trips to London. We had passed it yesterday
evening on the bus as well, but wanted to see it during the daylight as well.
Plus a great point to walk from along the Thames. From the first of December
there would have been an adorable Christmas market, but unfortunately we won’t
be there then.
Next stop the St. Pauls cathedral, it’s huge and beautiful. Perhaps a bit
strange, but I thought the backside with the trees was much prettier than the
front. I guess that’s just a matter of opinion. We only went a few steps
inside, but thought it was too expensive to go in. But just seeing it was good
enough for now.
There is a whole lot more to do, so up to the next stop. Kings cross, to see 9
¾ something that warmed my Harry Potter heart very much. And the shop next to
it was of much my delight as well and would have bought everything in the store
if I had enough money, but I didn’t so I had to make some choices.
Kings cross was just a quick stop, now it was about the books. I had chosen two
bookshops I wanted to go to. One a second hand, where I bought four Narnia
books. The next bookshop was better than I imagined, Persephone books. The
atmosphere was a delight, the books beautiful. The atmosphere was so good that
without anxiety I asked the saleslady for help. This is something I never do, I
always feel so nervous and anxious in stores, especially when it’s quiet inside
and it was. But when I decide to step towards a saleslady I get all nervous, I
stutter and no words come out of my mouth like I intended. In this store
nothing, just a normal conversation. The lady was so excited and was telling
about the books in such a passionate way that it made it very easy for me to
ask for help in finding a book. I didn’t knew where to start so any help was
needed and now I have a book I’m excited to start to read.
So if you ever find yourself in London and you happen to be a book lover, I
recommend to go and have a look in this bookshop yourself. I know I will the
next time I’m around.
Now we had my highlight of the trip we had planned to go to Oxford street and
see the Christmas lights. By this time my mood had changed drastically, my
exhaustion had caught up with me and because of the many people that walk in
Oxford street my anxiety got triggered. Not to mention that my feet were
killing me and the heavy bag full of books we had no time to drop off. It was
almost the entire time I was on Oxford street I felt this way, but luckily it
melted away eventually.
09:00 pm time to get
some dinner before we head towards the hotel again.
What was I happy to finally lay in bed and have a proper rest to my swollen
feet.
As you might know I
went for four days in London. About every day I have made a post that will be
spread through this month for you to read. Although I have very much enjoyed
this trip it has also been a giant step away from my comfort zone and triggered
both my anxiety and OCD. That’s why I decided not only to tell about all that
was great, but open the door slightly so you can see bits of what goes around
in my head. The trip I went on was together with my Grandmother (my mom's mom),
an aunt and a niece.
1:00 am, By this time I wished it was 5 o’clock time to get out of bed. I had a
hard time falling asleep. Perhaps it was the nerves for going to the plane the
coming day (what if my bag is too big? Or if I have to many fluids with me?),
perhaps it was the street light shining into the room from both sides, which
provides enough light to read a book by or perhaps it were the two clocks
ticking (one of which telling me the time every half hour).
4:45 am, finally I can go out of bed and make myself ready. Brush my teeth,
wash my face, drink a cup of tea slowly because now I have all the time.
In the car on our way to the airplane, I probably slept for an hour, much
needed I don’t know how to get through the day without the slightest bit of
sleep. But when I woke up we were in traffic and not near Schiphol. We were late, there wasn’t any
time to go to the toilet. A shame because I was in much need. Fortunately, I
was aloud to bring all that I had packed, nothing needed to be thrown away.
The plane journey was quick, although slightly uncomfortable because of my very
full bladder. I can’t tell you how glad I was when we landed and I finally
could go to the toilet, even if it wasn’t the cleanest toilet.
Time to buy a train ticket and make our way to London. When we arrived, we
first went somewhere to eat, a Hamburger it turned out to be.
Now it was time to go to our Hotel, to drop off our bags. This made my nerves,
my thoughts jumped to the worst conclusions. When we finally arrived at the
doorsteps there was something wrong with our booking. Only one room was booked,
but we definitely booked two. Luckily, this problem was relatively quickly
solved.
With our heavy suitcases we went up a narrow stairs to get to our room. It was
only a couple of minutes when I discovered several long brown hairs on the bed
and towels. This made me anxious, nervous about tonight, let's say this very
much triggered my OCD. But lets shall I be honest, my eyes always pick this up
very quickly and often sees those things when others don’t even notice.
Alright, don’t think about tonight, right now just enjoy what you are doing.
This is what I whispered to myself when we were on our way to Nothing hill, to
stroll around a bit go in a couple of shops. It went well, although my lack of
sleep started to catch up with me now. Now the adrenaline was mostly gone.
It was this evening I had the most delicious meal. The best soup I ever had,
with a delicious garlic bread and as desert very well made fresh ice-cream.
It’s the 1st of
December, Christmas is only 23 more days away. November has been a month where I
had to step out of my comfort zone, I went to London (but more on that in
December). November had also been a busy month, because December I’ve planned
to be even busier and I had to do some preparation for that. For the month of December
I set myself a challenge, a goal to post something every day until Christmas.
That means 25 posts at the end of the month. It’s something I wanted to try for
a while now and decided that now was the best time to prove myself I can.
The posts can be anything, of course a lot of it is Christmas related. There are
posts about my trip to London, posts about baking, posts about thoughts that
wandered through my mind, even some posts about something clothes/fashion
related, just for the fun of it.
Now to some favourites of November.
Flow magazine: My mom and I were doing some groceries when we past this
magazine. Immediately we were drawn to it, although we didn’t buy it right
away. It wasn’t until a couple of days later that we gave in. The magazine is
full of pretty pages, sparks your inspiration and provides tons of ideas to be
creative. I love to just flip through it and read the many interesting articles.
Definitely going to buy one of these again.
Pyjama pants: It wasn’t like I was on the hunt for a pair of these, I just
happen to come across it in the H&M. And they were so soft, it was then I imagine
myself in them on boxing day when watching films. I definitely wanted them now
and that’s why I bought them.
It wasn’t a bad thing to come home too after an exhausting trip to London. The
4 days that was left in November I have left in these pants and to be honest, I
would like to be wearing it every day from now on, but that would be a waist of
all the pretty clothes in my closet.
Harry Potter journal:I bought this when
I was in London.
I’m a massive fan of Harry Potter and Notebooks, and am a Gryffindor. Those
three combined you get this notebook that ready to be filled with my adventures.
Persephone books: The exact explanation for why I love it so much, you will find in day 3 of my london experience. But what I can tell you is that when I'm in London again, I most definitely will go back to this bookshop. I do recommend this to all booklovers out there who happen to be in London. address: 59 Lamb's Conduit Street, London, WC1N 3NB Persephone books
The weather
has definitely gone colder, which means autumn has arrived and winter will
follow. The leaves had turned different colours, some trees even lost them already.
I love it.
Things have started to go better again and look brighter, nobody is in the
hospital anymore (although the recovery will take months). Of course, this
doesn’t mean there’s nothing that triggers my anxiety or OCD, but the things
that do are on a more positive note. At the end of November I will
be in London for a couple of days, which is incredibly excited. Although I feel
just as anxious, perhaps even more, about it. I will go together with my
grandmother, aunt and cousin. The fact that I feel extremely nervous about it
will just be prove that this trip is perfect as an exposure to help me to get
rid (to live with) my OCD and anxiety.
Now on to
the favourites that I have:
Sweater, Asos: I
figured that after last year, it turned out I was lacking warm and cozy
clothing that I could wear on a regular base and wanted to be seen in outside, I
needed to look for warm sweaters. And that’s what I did, the first thing I found
was this orange one from Asos. And it quickly became the most cozy and
comfortable item in my closet. It feels like a constant hug, tight and warm
around you. I love the fit and the way the two slits on the sides look.
Burts bees,
replenishing: Perfect when the weather gets colder and your lips dryer.
Chocolate mud face mask, Hema: (the mask in the picture is not the mask I’m
talking about, but that one has run out and I still wanted to give you an idea
what the packaging is like). As everything was really stressful and hectic, my
skin gone crazy. It was irritating, breaking out everywhere and in need of some
extra care. This facemask did an amazing job. After rinsing it off my skin felt
clean but not dry, just really comfortable. Definitely going to repurchase. And
when you wear it you will be surrounded by the smell of chocolate.
I still
have quite a lot of footage from my holiday left, which I’m using up right now.
It’s a great way to still get some blog posts done, but leaves some time to get
my writing done and other things I would like to get done. It’s something I quite
enjoy doing, even if it isn’t the best quality or best work in the world, I still
like to do it from time to time. I am planning to get some other posts up as
well, but lately I feel a bit stuck in the creativity department. This happens
from time to time, I suppose it’s linked with my social anxiety. Because when I
get stuck it often means, my head is filled with doubt, I constantly compare
myself to others which always leads to me to think all negative things about
the things I’ve done, made or even think. Not to worry, I also know that with some
time I will feel better and exited again. It’s just like having a bad day,
everyone has those.
A little update, in my last favourites I told you about someone ending up in
the hospital. This person is now home and thinks are looking a bit up again. Of
course, there is still a long way off recovery left, but the first steps are
made.
At the end
of last month, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do. Well, nothing on
that list got done, really. The reason is that something unfortunate has
happened, that made everything at home and in my brain a chaos of disbelieve and
worries. Someone very close has ended up in the hospital and things just weren’t
looking or feeling bright for the moment. There is nothing you can say or do to
solve it, to make it better even though you wish you could. There is not a set
time of how long it takes, which makes it a bit frustrating and uncomfortable,
you can’t tell yourself: it’s only somany days and then everything goes back to normal. Because you don’t
know how long it takes for someone to recover. My brain still can’t quite
comprehend what has happened. In a way it feels like nothing of this is real
and it’s just a bad dream. You just think, well this can’t be true. It’s a bit
strange how your brain often refuses to take bad news.
As you might understand, this blog has been a bit quiet. More quite then I intended
it to be in the beginning of this month. I didn’t quite feel like it and besides
not much would have come out this mind of mine anyway. But for the coming it
will probably be a bit busy, I feel the need to get some distraction to be busy
with other things, if I won’t I would probably go slowly mad.
The reason I am filling you in on this, but don’t tell all the details is because
it is a private matter, but at the same time it didn’t feel right to completely
ignore it like it didn’t happen. Which I can’t, I can’t pretend at tell you
this has been a good month, because it wasn’t. I don’t want to lie, my blog is
not a place for that.
It now seems to get better, thankfully.. Now on the
few favourites I have.
Relaxing tea
with vanilla, lavender and camomile:
A tea much needed as my brain is filled with many thoughts and body is restless.
I loved the tea even before things took a turn, the smell of vanilla or
lavender are ones I love to smell. I can’t help sniffing this tea every time I drink
it, it's just enjoy’s me. And of course it tastes good as well.
Kiehls wash: I have an oily skin and was on the hunt for a good wash, in the Kiehls
store I was recommended this one and I like it. Of course at this moment my
skin is breaking out and getting stressed and there is nothing I can do about
it, but beforehand I really saw a change.
Squeaky clean shampoo bar, lush: The skin on my hand is always a trouble, there
is always a sticky residue (I know, sounds gross) left and never had I a shampoo
that would probably get rid of it, not even special ones, until I tried this
one. My head feels so clean and my hair has become a lot healthier.
Two weeks in the Czech Republic, a vacation long waited for. Not exactly what we expected to be. Meaning the first week was a bit stressful, we really had to get into the holiday spirits and I guess because of stressful years and because putting a bit too much pressure on the vacation. Not only that, but my OCD was a bit that got in the way quite often, there was just a lot that triggered.
Now it isn’t that we had a totally horrible holiday/vacation, I still stand with: that we really needed one to wind down a bit, to get away from it all. It just took a bit longer that passed vacation trips. The time being in the Czech Republic we felt and acted like a proper family again, doing things to getter like card games, going to castle, the city’s and mountains. No distraction from computers, televisions and later telephones (because of the limited time we could use electricity). My head finally got a bit clearer and finally get delving into books (the weeks leading to our holiday I tried many times, but constantly fall asleep and no words stuck with me).
I love getting away from the surroundings at home every now and then, enjoy all the unfamiliar views and distracted from all the thoughts that normally wander through my mind and pursuits I would normally be doing. Be free to do things you love but can’t do at home, such have long walks through mountains and hills, go to pretty castles and wonder about all the stories that have once lived behind those castle walls, be surrounded by a different culture, different buildings, breathe in that air, live in a tent and have a little luxury so I can appreciate more what you have at home.
It definitely have been better too, not only I got a clearer mind and new motivation to get things going, but also a book full of successes (moments where my worst fears, in terms of my OCD, didn’t come out) that would really help me with my therapy. It means I have some evidence I can use with my cognitive therapy to help me convince my OCD really isn’t that needed. And I needed that, because before I went away on this trip, I felt terrified that my OCD would only could get worse and not better, I couldn’t get my head wrapped around a life with little to no OCD. But now I feel a little more hopeful.
So even though we had a bit of a rough start, we really enjoyed the trip.
I’m now only a week home and the summer weather has now made place for a very autumnal like weather (rain and a lot colder). Not that I mind, as much I wish summer not to end, I do feel excited for a new season so I can get cozy. Our house has now filled itself with the smell of apple pie, in the autumn my dad and I make apple pies out of the apple from the trees outside in our garden, we still have to bake some more, there are still many apples left.
The view of our second and main campsite.
The first castle we went to was closed
The second last campsite we stood on.
A day spent in Praque
Terezin: A place that made me quiet, all the horrible things that have happend in there.
