When things turn out different than you planned

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I have something I need to tell you. A few posts back I told you about my first day of college and how it triggered my anxiety. Well, my anxiety got even worse, I didn’t sleep and suffer from many panic attacks. After that week I talked with my parents and asked for advice from my psychologist and decided it was better to quit, because it was too big of a step and there was just too much coming at me in a short period of time.

 

This felt a bit like failing and I was afraid I would end up sitting home again with no life, so after I decided to quit I found almost immediately a plan B. A writing study/course of 18 months, 15 hours a week and every month one meeting with my classmates and teacher. This is going to start this Saturday. But because I still want to keep pushing to get more out of my comfort zone I’m being busy and trying hard to find a job and I decided that it would be time to share my blog with all the people I know. You might know that sharing my blog is pretty hard and scary for me, up till to today my blog is a secret (except for my parents who I shared my blog with a few weeks ago). I’m afraid about what people might think about me and my blog. But it’s a step I’m willing to make.

After that, the study journalism turned out not to work my self-confidence crumbled a little and my anxiety started messing my head up by telling me I’m not good enough, that I will fail with this course as well, etc. It's gotten so bad this week, because of the insecurity of starting this course, missing a couple of books and not being able to let it go and let the study be, that I got physically ill because all the stress and anxiety. Of course, my sensible side (which I do have, only it isn’t as strong) tells me that what my anxiety tells me is mostly untrue. Like my mom tells me, everything is going to be okay and that I will just have to let it rest for now.