It wasn’t after a good two months I realised I couldn’t get used to it. It was nothing I wanted, so I told my mom and my mentor (who still thought she could change my mind during the rest of the year. And I did tried to change my mind, to like my study, but that didn’t happen. At this point I got very confused, I didn’t knew what I wanted to do with my life, what I would like to study next and could not bring up enough
Motivation to keep going this year, but never the less I kept going. I started doing a course (How to find a study that fits you). I have done a post on that. Trying to find me again and what I want and like to do (still searching).
After the course I did found out I wanted to write (to be a writer or some sort). So I signed up for Creative Writing. The study had a selection, I did came through the first round based on my submitted stories (I was so proud). I was invited to the first selection day. That day was at the ninth of April (Saturday last week).
I believe I have never been so nervous as I was then. I didn’t knew what I could expect from that day. I knew there would be 80 other people I had to compete with. To be honest; I am very very shy and insecure, especially if I am in a big group of people.
So there I sat at the first workshop of the day looking and listening to the others, hearing how good they actually are telling myself that they where better than me, that I wasn’t good enough. (stupid I know!). The rest of the day I did tried to give my best, but speaking for a big group of people I barely know wasn’t something that made me feel confident. I already give up the hope I would get through the next round (something I regret).
When finally the day was ending and I was heading home, the stress disappeared.
At Tuesday I would get the results of the day and I would hear I was through or not. That day and the rest of the week I was at my grandmothers, she was ill and I was there to take care of her and to keep her company (nothing serious, just the flu. She is better now).
Unfortunately I got a email with the massage ‘I wasn’t selected, but that I didn’t had to give up’. The news made my sad and normally I would go to my room and cry my eyes out, but my grandmother was sleeping and I felt a bit trapped and didn’t want to make any noise or sign I didn’t felt well. It wasn’t until Thursday night I got home and be comfortable to let it all out. Now I’m home for to days and all the stress of the past few weeks is getting out and making me sick L .
Now it is time to figure out what to do next. I don’t have a plan B.
It is strange to think that last year I was convinced I would never be that person who would start a study, find out it is not what they’re looking for, and move on to another. Or even worse the person who takes a year off to figure out what she wants and here I am taking a year off. I always thought that those people didn’t put enough effort, turns out these tings just happen. Now I just feel a bit lost….
If you wonder why I share this with you; I just needed to get it out, to tell someone about it. And you never know if someone learns from this post or maybe I learn from it.
Some tips I got during these weeks:
1. Never ever give up on a dream. (no matter what, try again)
2. Always look at the positives (even if you don’t see them, they are there!!!!)
3. Let it all out, you are aloud to. (sometimes it’s good to cry your eyes out, it’s all you need. It hurts…)
4. The first plan is never the only one, there are other ways as well. (take a look at them)
5. Ask why they didn’t choose you, learn from the feedback. (learn from your mistakes)
6. You are not the only one. (there others who go through
something similar.)
7. Last but not least: Don’t worry be happy!!
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