Goodbye my dear sweet Max

For a weekend that started so good (I got a job after having my first job interview in years) it ended at the most horrible way possible. My dog Max died.

It was quite unexpected, for it was only a week ago see was just fine, but since Wednesday she became ill. She drank a lot of water, she had to pee a lot (she good not hold it in for 5 minutes, what means she peed in the house every now and then, she felt so guilty for doing that), she lost a lot a lot of weight and her eyes got infected. It only got worse by the day. Saturday it seemed she even lost more weight and her eyes rolled backwards (she looked scary when that happened), she got very down and that not like her she always is an enthusiastic and happy dog no matter what, so that means she really is sick. You saw in her eyes see still wanted to come to us and play, but see just couldn’t.

At first we decided to got to the vet on Monday, but when we woke up on Sunday seeing her laying at the place we left her the night before, not wanting to eat (not even some tasty meat) and she always was in for that, we decided to look for a vet open at Sundays. She looked depressed, every effort was to much, even opening her eyes when we came to her.

With still the hope that she might get better with some treatment we went to the vet. She was surprisingly calm when we where waiting, normally she would try to get away. The vet told us she was very ill and it was not likely for her to get better (really better) she is an old dog (12 years). We always sad we would never try all kind of medicine so she could life, we don’t want her to suffer pain just because we can’t say goodbye to her (that wouldn’t be fair would it?). So we make the choice to say goodbye.

Just before she got her infuse she looked everyone in to the eyes to say goodbye I think, like she new what was going on . I dig my face in to her fur, hold her, while my tears stream down my face and I went with my fingers through her hair till her heart stops beating. I know we did well by making this choice, but it doesn’t make the pain any less. The rest of that whole day I cried my eyes out non stop and even today the tears burn in my eyes.

I think only someone who have or had a dog can relate with me, because having a dog is so much more different from having any other kind of pet, you bond differently. A dog is faithful, loving. No matter what they will be there for you to support you, you tell them your secrets and they are save with her, when you’re sad they will catch you, when you’re lonely they will be your friend.

For us she was a very important family member. For me she was my best friend and the last couple of months I spend a lot of time at home with her, see was there for me.

Max was a very kind, enthusiastic, happy and an easy dog. She listen and from day one she was housebroken, she never bit and if she accidentally did when playing, she started to panic and licking your hand. Losing her is very hard on all of us (even my dad’s eyes got watery and he never ever cries).

I still remember the day we got her. I was at the age of 6 or 7. She smelled like cow poop and she was so scared ( its no wonder; strange people where taking her away from her mom in barn, who wouldn’t be?). She sad between my brother and I in the backseat of the car. She was digging a hole behind my back to hide, the whole ride to home she was laying behind my back, so I sad uncomfortable.

Now after one night without her it feels strange not having her here when I still expect her to. It is uncomfortable quiet. I still look down before I get up from my seat (she always lay there) or watch at the front door (that was her place). This morning my mother got some bread to give her, but she wasn’t there. She became such a big part of our life, it just doesn’t feels Wright not having her here with us. To be honest I believe I cried harder about her then the two weeks both of my grandfather died (not that I didn’t love them, but they where not part of my everyday life). And right now I don’t now what to do to get over this or if I can get over this. Normally when I feel this way I would go to Max to run my fingers through her hair (it made my calm and less nervous) or would hug her or dig my face into her fur to hide from the world, so not having her here makes me uncomfortable and not knowing what to do with this pain. There is no real replacement for her, a dog like her we will never find again.

The least thing I can do is remember the great moment we had with max.

I miss you Max!!

　

Questions, a lot of them.

Everybody has a voice of their own, some of us just need to find. So am I.

In the beginning of the school year I thought I knew myself pretty well, turns out I didn’t (something you’d probably know from earlier posts). Lucky for me I have a whole year now to find out who the hack I am and find all the answers to my questions.

It’s only a few months I found I wanted to write. Finally I know what I want I thought. But it was only for a small amount of time till other questions popped in to my mind; What do I want to write? A column? A book? What kind of a book? A Childs book? A thriller? A detective? Roman? Or a fantasy book? Or do I want to write for a news paper? Travel journalism? Do I need to do something aside from writing to earn a living and what do I want to do aside?

But before I can even begin with answering those questions I need to first sort out some of these: What are my interest? Where am I good at? What do I like? What do I suck at? Who am I? And in this year I also need to become more confident.

This year I have all this time to sort everything out, to answer my questions, boost my confidence, get to know me, learn how to cook for when I move out, learn from the courses writing I am going to do and last but not least earn some money.

For the first time I might actually be happy with this time, with the fact I’m taking a year of. Now one of my last questions; Am I the only one that has this many? Do others have questions to? Is asking such an amount of questions normal, healthy? Do you have questions similar like this as well or is it just me?

Family weekend!!

Last weekend i had my Family weekend. My whole Family on my mothers side was there (that’s 24 people all together).

We stayed up late playing games like hints, who am I and BINGO. We also talked a lot (the chatty family as we are). At first I needed a bit time to get used to all these people, I only see one day a year, before I could be chatty with everybody. But around the second day I felt comfortable enough to be myself, apart from the time I took this big step. That big step I made Saturday was letting al my family members reed the stories I wrote for the selection from the school I wanted to be in (those got me through the first round). Luckily for me they all liked it and I got positive reactions from everybody. During the time they where reading me peaces my head turned red like a tomato, something that happens to me every time I’ve been placed in the middle of all the attention.

I had a lovely weekend, exhausting, but lovely. I can’t wait till the next weekend over five years.

Who am I??

I remember I haven’t introduced myself yet. So that’s what I’m going to do now.

I’m Esther and 18 years old and living in the Netherlands (Holland). I’m also a student who just found out that the thing I’m studying isn’t as interesting as I thought. That leads to the fact I’m searching for something different. The problem with that is: I just don’t know what I want anymore.

I started this blog so I could put all my thoughts, creativity somewhere. Where I will write about? Fashion, books, make-up, films, day in a life kind of things and just anything I think is interesting or just something I want to write about.

I hope you all will enjoy this blog and join me on my journey of becoming me.
 

Styled in different ways #2

Just pin one side of your hair back!! It's as simple as that

Hope it is useful to any of you

Nothing to wear?

You probably wonder: what’s that mountain of clothes doing there. Well I was sorting out the clothes I have, making new sets of clothes. It’s like shopping clothes without spending it. Why? I always seem to forget about a few peaces of clothes. Finding them is like having new clothes.

If you think you have nothing to wear, just take a close look to what is in your closet. You have more then you think. Maybe sort out your clothes will work for you as well.

It works for me!! The problem with me is I always wear the same clothes over and over again (you recognize this?). Even though I don’t have to, I have lots of other clothes I could wear. By sorting out my clothes I know how to wear those other clothes so I am able to wear them.

I sort out my clothes a few times a year. The reason I recommend this to every one is because you will always find a few peaces of clothes and next to that you will also find new ways to style your clothes. The best way to do this is with a friend a your mother or an other family member, that way you have some input from others and you end up with even more sets and it’s more fun to do it with somebody then doing it alone.

So just give it a try, it really works.

Sunny weather and BBQ

In a previous post I told you I wanted to be more positive and for the past couple of days I tried my very best. Although it wasn’t difficult at all, because the wetter has been so wonderful. It was worm, sunny, the world got some colour again, overall it was just wonderful. I even got my first sunburn of the year, pretty bad one even with blisters.

In these days I haven’t really done anything besides homework and annoying the wetter. But I have took a trip to Groningen with the train (it was quite a while back since I have done that, I remember it was very cold), I forgot how much fun it can be watching people doing what they do, running for a train they almost missed and the interesting talk they have on the train (yes I love to eavesdrop).

Yesterday we had a lovely family day. It was so long ago that we all had a day of together, so we took this day to spent some time together. We actually felt like a family, it was so relaxed. There was no stress or pressure and for a while we just forgot the problems we have lately (I would recommend everybody to have such a day as well). Later in the day my ant and uncle came with there kids to go BBQ, what was fun as well. I was surprised of how fast my tummy was full, just after one hamburger (it was delicious). But because there where so much good/ delicious food I didn’t stop after eating the hamburger and I end up overeating till my tummy hurt. L

I’m sad the weekend is over, but at the other hand coming weekend will be fun as well. I have a family weekend planned that weekend (the family on my mothers side).

I will do a post on that as well.