"Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that....... you are free"

1. Bag, Primark

2. The abundance of Katherines, for the train journey.

3. Train cart, so I can legally travel.

4. Camera

5. My new glasses, so I don’t get a headache.

6. Some moisturizer, so my hands won't dry out.

7. My mobile phone.

8. Deodorant for when I’m smelly.

9. Some water to keep myself hydrated.

09:00 AM, I’m on my way to Zwolle to spend my day wandering through the city, something I never had the courage to do. The idea was I would use this as an exercise, as an exposure (exposing myself to my fear in order to fight my anxiety), and I did. The nerves that I felt when stepped on the train to make my journey to Zwolle, for a minute I thought it would be too much. But when I arrived there and started to wander the city through my nerves went down and I actually had a fun day, I enjoyed myself.

I went into every shop, walked along the beautiful buildings, sat down to eat when I felt like it and ended my day with ice cream (banana and berries). I barely felt any nerves at all and got all enthusiastic when I saw a book shop having a sale and I couldn’t resist going in and pick up some books, so I did.

Now that I have done this, I feel proud. Proud that I could and it feels good to find out you can more than you think you can. What I would advise you to do is to just try new thing and do more things you love, even if you think you can’t or you feel a terrible lot of nerves and are terrified by the idea, well I was terrified and I managed to do this.

1. Some books that I found in the sale and two books I got because I had planned to buy them.

2. I saw these cute and summary molds for cupcakes, the only ones I had where Christmas themed, and I just had to buy them. (Dille & Kamille)

3. Some tea I found and wanted to try out. (Dille & Kamille)

4. Zwolse ballen, because I can’t leave Zwolle without buying these.

5. Day cream with SPF, I needed some and I choose this one. (Body shop)

6. Some body butter, because it has been just € 1.

7. Just some make-up brushes.

8. A couple of face masks.

9. Eye shadow, I saw these ones back in December, but thought they were too expensive. Now they were half the price and therefore couldn’t leave them there. (Body shop)

10. A tester I received when I was buying things in the body shop.

February favourites

1. A while ago I have bought a couple of old books and since then I have fallen in love with the way they look, the way they feel, the way they smell and because the stories they have been witnessed themselves, they lived through (because they are so old and so many people have owned them). And that’s why my grandmother has given me some of the books she inherited from her father to me. Theirs one children’s book and only to imagine that he would have been watching the pictures, read the stories, is what I love the most.

2. My lips have become dry and chipped and I needed to take care of that. When I tried baby lips it immediately made my lips feel better. I like the way this one smells like cherries, but the smell is not too overpowering.

3. Dove intensive repair. I have not been that nice to my hair, I painted it and at last bleached it (something I still regret doing). My hair became dry, almost straw like. But the moment I first used it, I noticed an immediate change, I had become so much softer and this only got better and better. I will definitely buy this product again.

4. My notebook has become a real pleasure . I have written almost every single thought, idea, quote, book that I want to read and every film I wanted to watch in their. It may not be the prettiest book ever, but I just love to look at all the things I wrote in their these past months. It’s all that I am. Reading this would tell you more about me than living most of your live with me.

5. Even though the weather has not been that cold (at all) and it probably was not needed, I wore this scarf almost every single day. It’s just so soft, warm and amazing. It gives my outfit a bit of color and texture and that’s why it’s worth every penny.

Background: blanket: Odds and Ends

Evetything you want is on the other side of fear (my social anxiety)

I wanted to post this for quite some time now, but that hasn’t been easy. I’ve written this over and over, then deleting again and write once more. I just couldn’t get satisfied with it, not that I’m ever satisfied with what I write. It’s just that I’m really someone who would expose herself that easily, I normally never share personal things, not anywhere. That’s why talking about this subject is so difficult, but I wanted to do so anyway. Why? Because I want to share my story about and my experiences with social anxiety. And reading similar posts or YouTube videos where others tell their stories and how they dealing with anxiety has helped me a lot. It helped me to accept myself a bit more, told me I’m not alone in this and that getting some help is not a big deal or weird even, it’s something that is there to help you. I hope that by writing this post, it does the same to you!

I’ve never been a very self-confident girl. No matter what I did or what I succeeded in, I always should have done better, write better, been better. I was never enough.

I have always been very shy, even as a child (I have never grown out of it). I did have friends and did not hide or avoid anything when I was younger, though. I even could take a stand for myself if I needed to, but never have I liked being in the centre of the attention. I would turn red, my hands would become sweaty and I would most prefer to just run away. It started to become a problem a bit later, around the end of secondary school. I didn’t get out as much, basically I only went to school. I started to spend my days hiding for everything, because all human contact made me feel a bit anxious, awkward. I filled my days with daydreaming about all the things I would do if I weren’t so afraid, those dreams became my only comfort zone. But living your life like that is not ideal, because every time you return to the “real world” it’s a let down. Living like this does not really give the insurance to a happy life, that’s why I wanted to change. Which is not as easy as it sounds.

It has been almost three months now since I started therapy, to face my fears and work my way through my anxiety. I have to be honest, this is not as fun as it sounds :). The first few weeks are just terrifying, after that it starts to get a little easier. But never have it has been fun, it’s hard work you know. But now to look more positively, I have to say I accomplished more than I thought in these couple of months. I have already faced my fears daily, which is exhausting.

With only 3 months more to go I determined to do everything that I’m capable of to make the change I want happen. I’m going to fill my mind with more positive and realistic thoughts, exposing myself to my fears and hopefully this is going to make me feel more confident and stronger. I do know that after I finished my therapy it is not likely that my anxiety have disappeared, this will probably always be a weakness of mine.

"Blessed are the curious for they shall have adventures"

oven apples

I wanted to share my favourite snack with you. It’s very simple and you don’t need much in house. I ate this in summer on the BBQ and in the colder months the oven works just fine.

What you need:

An apple (any kind you like or have laying around in your house)

Cinnamon

Dark brown caster sugar

lemon juice

Buter (optional, me personally think it’s already good without but if you want to something)

Tinfoil

An oven/BBQ

The oven preheated on 200° C

How you make it:

First your going to cut the apple in little parts, then you going to put the lemon juice over it so the parts are completely covered. You at the cinnamon to the mixture (I don’t really measure it but I think about 1 teaspoon is enough, it depends on your own personal taste), then you at two tablespoons of the dark brown caster sugar and mix it all together (if you want to use the butter just put the butter on top of the apples when they are In the tinfoil and just before you put them in the oven). The mixture is now ready the only thing that is left you to do is put it in tinfoil and in the oven (oven preheated on 200° C). Wait for around 15 min and feel with a fork if the apple is completely softened, yes? Then it’s ready to be eaten. No? then leave it a little longer in the oven till it is ready.

Another Luna update

In the past few months since my last update, Luna has grown both in size and character. All the things she used to be afraid of have slowly reduced to being barely afraid of anything. Even the fireworks of last week had no influence on her, she just kept on doing what she was doing (playing). She now is a very curious dog who always is there the first when someone is getting some food a plate, cup or anything else.

With no fear comes the naughty curious dog. She likes to play with everything that lives (dogs, cats, spiders, children, adults), even when they don’t. The cats don’t really got the change to just lay and sleep, Luna will always be there to play. What ever they try they can’t get rid of her. Nails in the scruff, it doesn’t even bother her.

She isn’t aloud on the couch, but that doesn’t stop her (climbing on the couch is the only thing she can do quietly). No? what does that mean?

Then she loves to have all the attention and so she doesn’t want to share (but neither she shares her food). She hates it when we watch a movie, because then we are distracted. And if it happens that we get so distracted that we don’t give her attention, she will do everything she can to drawn our attention (roles, whine, growl, bark). If that doesn’t work well then you take a run and jump on top of us (which will hurt). But also makes me laugh a little.

So as you probably can tell, Luna has really come alive and got very very (maybe even a little to much) comfortable with us.

Happy new year

Firstly, a Happy new year to everyone!!

My 2013 didn’t really went quite according to plan and I did had some set backs, but for what 2014 has to offer I’m genuinely exited, within both my future plans and personal life. I already have made some serious steps in my personal growth and my own recovery (witch I will tell you more about in a future post). But most of all I’m curious what surprises this year will bring me. I’m not big on making New Years Resolutions but this year I already made a start with some of my resolutions and I’m hopeful I will make those resolution come true, so here are mine!

Eating healthier: What this means for me, eating more fruit, drink more water, eat more vegetables and less fast food. I just want to have a bit more energy and with a healthy diet, I will be one step closer.

More Yes!!: Because of my anxiety I became a pro at avoiding life and anything fun, but because that isn’t something that makes me happy (it’s more that I feel lousy because of it) I would rather stop avoiding live and start living it. Facing my fears and become a stronger person.

There're my New Years Resolutions, what are yours?