Autumn & Winter

Evenings are getting darker, temperature drops, rainy days ahead of us, leaves are falling, a cold is waiting for us around the corner to clog our nose and hurt our throat, wait a while and it will start to freeze, get so cold you can’t feel your toes, no more the warmth of the sun to brighten your day and give the energy you need so much. No worries, it isn’t as bad as it all sounds, there are many things to look forward to.

 

Cosy blankets
Cosy socks
Knitted sweaters
Candle lights flickering and lighting the room
Hot chocolate, who taste the best if your toes are frozen
More baths in the evening
Spending rainy days under the duvet watching films or reading books
Time for comfort foods
Walking through the leaves that have fallen
Pumpkins
Sinterklaas and the delicious treats that come with it
The feeling Christmas is approaching
Christmas itself and the delicious dinners
Twinkle lights that light the world in these dark days
Scarves, hats and boots
Oversized jumpers
Building snowmen’s
Watching snowflakes dancing  
Fireworks

Day Zero updat #2

This update on the Day Zero Project is a bit late, I said I was going to have one every three months, but nonetheless it is here a month later. A lot has happened since my last update, but you might have already read it in some previous posts. I got a few more goals achieved and those I will share with you right now.

Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days are over:
Finally, I made some time to write this letter and now the only thing I need to do is to find an envelope to keep it in until I’m aloud to read it again.

Start a study in September:
Perhaps you now that this wasn’t exactly a piece of cake, quite the contrary. To make a long story short, my first attempt to start a study (journalism) has failed which left me a bit down and confused, but I got back up and now I started a writing course/self-study. Saturday the 20^th of September was the first time I went, I was very poorly of all the nerves (I was sick the entire week because of it, but once I was in it wasn’t that bad and definitely a place I could learn a lot of useful things (still very scary though). I’m quite proud I took this step, because it fits me a lot better. Full story here.

Share some writing I’ve made
In my last update I told you I was about to do so and now I have. If you are curious what I’m talking about, you can read my story here.

Give my blog a new layout
Have you noticed something different? Yes, well, I hope so. I worked very hard on this. I know this might not be perfect, but for someone who isn’t quite good with technology and making a site look pretty I think it turned out good. And I can’t help feeling a little proud of myself.

Swim in the sea with Luna
For anyone who didn’t know, Luna is my dog. It wasn’t really the biggest success as we thought it would since she loves water and to swim in it. But she thought the waves were a bit frightening and it bothered her we were in the water with only our heads to see, it all made her a bit nervous and extremely happy when we got safely out of the water.

Go to the zoo
Another thing I’ve done during my vacation. We went to the zoo in Amsterdam, Artis. We had a lovely time even though I was disappointed with the size of the cages the animals were in. I know I’m not an expert on this, but I thought they seemed very small.

Bake 5 different muffins
Now I’m on three muffins, my latest addition is one I shared here and it’s a chocolate chip muffin, very yummy.

Read 100 books
I only got to 6, which means I haven’t read that much lately, only three books, but it’s still better than nothing right?
Diamond Star Halo by Tiffany Murray
This book I picked up in the sales when I spent my day in Zwolle and it wasn’t just a splurge, because I enjoyed reading the book and entering its world.
F*ck I’m in my twenties by Emma Koening
I got this book for my twentieth birthday, to perhaps prepare myself for what is to come. (I really liked flicking through and reading all the fun things that are inside. It’s grade for when you’re bored or waiting for something to get ready and have nothing else to do, although you might finish it before you actually need too because it’s great and very hard to leave it for another time. I finished the in only a couple of hours, because I kept reaching for it.
Flowers in the attic by Virginia Andrews
A very disturbing and a bit depressing book, which my mom once recommended to me since the age 12 I believe. I finally got around it and gave it a try. It’s one of those books you get sucked in easily, even if you get a bit tired with all what goes wrong, at least for me. But it’s not a book you should expect from to get you in a good mood, because it isn’t the happiest story ever told.

When things turn out different than you planned

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I have something I need to tell you. A few posts back I told you about my first day of college and how it triggered my anxiety. Well, my anxiety got even worse, I didn’t sleep and suffer from many panic attacks. After that week I talked with my parents and asked for advice from my psychologist and decided it was better to quit, because it was too big of a step and there was just too much coming at me in a short period of time.

 

This felt a bit like failing and I was afraid I would end up sitting home again with no life, so after I decided to quit I found almost immediately a plan B. A writing study/course of 18 months, 15 hours a week and every month one meeting with my classmates and teacher. This is going to start this Saturday. But because I still want to keep pushing to get more out of my comfort zone I’m being busy and trying hard to find a job and I decided that it would be time to share my blog with all the people I know. You might know that sharing my blog is pretty hard and scary for me, up till to today my blog is a secret (except for my parents who I shared my blog with a few weeks ago). I’m afraid about what people might think about me and my blog. But it’s a step I’m willing to make.

After that, the study journalism turned out not to work my self-confidence crumbled a little and my anxiety started messing my head up by telling me I’m not good enough, that I will fail with this course as well, etc. It's gotten so bad this week, because of the insecurity of starting this course, missing a couple of books and not being able to let it go and let the study be, that I got physically ill because all the stress and anxiety. Of course, my sensible side (which I do have, only it isn’t as strong) tells me that what my anxiety tells me is mostly untrue. Like my mom tells me, everything is going to be okay and that I will just have to let it rest for now.

 

The big and scary world

Have any of you ever watched the film 28 days with Sandra Bullock. The second time I watched it (last weekend) I've had my day therapy behind me and it surprised me that I recognized a lot about the things she went through, even though I am no addict.

The first day you enter the doors you hate everything there, you feel you ended up between a bunch of lunatics, freaks, thinking it is a lot of bullshit that you ended up here. You aren’t crazy or anything, right? This is until you start to realize that you do belong in here, that something is wrong and definitely needs to change. The other patients turned out to be more normal than you initially thought.

After a while you even start to like and care for your fellow patient and it looks like it is the other way around as well. Perhaps this is because you share so much with each other, more than you would with anyone else, things that are extremely personal you tell them makes you feel fragile but still you feel safe enough to tell them. The great thing is when you tell them these things or whenever you feel very anxious, have a specific feeling or struggle again they won’t look at you weirdly, they understand. They know, because they went or are going through the same. You never need to explain, something you forget a little when you step back into society. When you go out again into this big and scary world people won’t understand immediately that you struggle with something think of as normal, you will need to explain. Although not everybody cares and that’s okay,  you only need to get used that everything is different from the safe surroundings at therapy.

Sunday Funday

Last Sunday we had a lovely time with all the women of the family (on my mother’s side) having a workshop sculpting or painting. I have chosen to paint, which you might have guessed considering the picture of my painting above. This was the first time we have done it like this, the years before only my aunts, mother and grandmother went, only this year they divided it would be fun to invite us as well. Everybody was first a bit sceptical about whether they would make something good or worth making, but at the end of the day everyone, both the ones who were sculpting a stone and the ones who were painting, made something they can be proud of. After a very busy but creative day we went to our home to enjoy a BBQ with delicious food and the best ice-cream as dessert. Chatted the evening away and going home tired but satisfied.

First day of college and August favourites

Yesterday has been the first day of college for me and if I may be totally honest with you, it is going to be much harder than I thought it is going to be. The first half of the day was going very smoothly, we just had some informational classes nothing scary really. But then… the last class of the day we were handed some information about what was expected from us these coming weeks. Which was more than I thought, apparently we are starting out from the beginning with some after school journalism experience gaining, basically doing journalistic stuff outside of school you should arrange yourself. But that was not the only thing, we also have to make some kind of video of three minutes about yourself, which might become a slight problem since 1. I’m not really great at those technical stuff (making videos) and 2. Due to my anxiety I have spent a lot of time just hiding and barely doing anything, which now mind cause me not really having much to tell and to tell about my anxiety already to my classmates mind me a bit too fast. So getting to know what were expecting of me already the first semester gave me a large panic attack, which I luckily hold in until I was at the train station and not while I was still in class. Although having a panic attack (crying my eyes out, hyperventilate and trying to make sense to my mother on the telephone) on a busy train station is not everything either, it does get noticed of course.

Now I’m not willing to give up so I have sent my mentor an email explaining about my anxiety and made an appointment for tomorrow to perhaps find some sort of solution. To top this all, I'm feeling very poorly (as in sick).

Now on a much brighter notice, I also have some august favourites I would like to share.

Whasi  tape: I bought some basic notebooks, agenda, etc. that needed some decoration to make them more personal and whasi tape is amazing for this. I love the variation of colours and  prints and the fact they very easy to use and versatile. As you can see in the first picture of this post I already have personalized my agenda.

Angels on bare skin: A few posts back I shared some products of lush I bought and one of them was this skin wash. I love love love this product, I have to tell you that my skin looks and feels better after using this and Angels on bare skin is definitely a product I will buy again.

Bag: I wanted another small bag that I could carry around if I was going out or just on a day where I don’t need much to take along. When I found this bag while I was not even looking for it, I fell in love immediately. I love the print and think it’s the perfect size.

Dragon's egg: I tried my first ever bath bomb and it was amazing. The smell not too overpowering but lovely sweet, my bath, bright orange with gold sparkles that came out of surprise from the heart of the bath bomb. The water reminded me for some reason of mermaids, which I don’t mind at all. My skin felt super soft after I came out of my relaxing bath. I look forward to trying more bath bombs from the lush, do any of you have my recommendation of a bath bomb you love?

I'm back!

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post and I’m sorry for that, I really didn’t mean to. But because introduction camp and college were coming closer and closer I got really scared and anxious, which resulted in me escaping to my fantasy world hiding from the reality (it all got a bit too real I guess). The only times I did get out into reality was whenever I needed to do some preparation for college, such as ordering books, a new laptop, etc. But now I’m back and I will try my hardest to get as many posts up as possible.

My introduction camp has been a blast, but having said that, it also has been the biggest and scariest thing I’ve done so far, even harder than I expected it would be. I had expected that as soon as I got in the building and interacted with other human beings the panic, remaining from the very large panic attack I had in the car before entering the building (it had been such a while I had such a panic attack), would be gone. But it didn’t it lasted the first one and a half day, it was crawling just underneath my skin waiting for one last trigger to escape again. This might perhaps be because everything from this introduction was a secret, we knew nothing about where we would sleep or what we would be going to do, but none the less I survived, even more than that. I interacted with others, had a laugh and a very great time this week. I can say I feel very proud of myself and I think I have another victory.

Tomorrow will be another big day as I’m moving out to live with my Grandmother until I find a place of my own. Reason for me to live there is because it is a lot closer and I won’t be traveling as much as I would if I stayed home and therefore I will have more time left for blogging. Another thing that will be happening very soon, Monday the first of September, is my first day of college, which of course I feel nervous for and slightly exited.  
I still have to prove myself I can do this, because I’m still not convinced I can become a journalist in training, I mean I will be having to do a lot of things that are out of my comfort zone (it might not be the most logical step to make for someone with social anxiety), but of course it would be great to expand my comfort zone, to become more comfortable for me and of course it will be a great adventure where I can grow and learn a lot.