"In the silence of your bones and eyes forgotten magic sits and waits for fire"

Isn’t it a bit ironic when I say the people I like the most are always a bit different, weird, not like everyone else. They have something what attracts me, sometimes inspires me, but mostly they make me jealous that they can be themselves and feel comfortable. But when it comes to me, I want to hide, not stand out and to achieve that I would wear what everyone else is wearing, I try to look and act alike. Not that this actually makes me feel comfortable, it’s just that it feels and perhaps is safe.
I’m sure I’m not the only one when I say that it’s so much easier to see the good things when you look to others than when you look at yourself.

A while ago I happened to hear a conversation where a girl told she was afraid to turn up like everyone else if she would start a certain study. She was scared that she would become the kind of person she never want to be, not herself. She said it’s stupid to try to be like everyone else if you're not like everyone else, that she tried it herself, she was bullied in the past because she was different and wanted to fit in. She started the most “normal study”, started to wear “normal” clothes and wear her hair “normal” (it’s where I thought; that’s exactly what I’m doing now and done for a couple years), only she could only keep it up for only a few days before she started to long to herself. (The longing I know too, but the my anxiety was stronger).
She does have a point about being yourself, it’s kind of a waste to always be someone else.

Now that I’m doing my very best to get over my anxiety, and I’m doing pretty good with that I’ve already changed so much and feel already more confident, I wanted to start working “myself” to make my comfort zone bigger and stop hiding behind my “save” clothes. I know this won’t happen overnight, it’s been something I do for so long that it became normal and hard to imagine different, it will take time, perhaps a couple months or maybe even a year. I will take small steps. My first step would be writing and posting this, to share a bit more about me (the real me not the one I hide behind, even though she is part of me too).

"Even miracles take a little time "

This is what happens when I'm bored and left with a camera.
My cats Ruigtand (red) Twister (gray) and dog Luna (who you might have seen in a previous post)

 

Just a small haul

I discovered a lovely shop in Groningen, it’s called Stardust and it’s a combination of new, old and remade clothes. The fun part is, they sell items that are a bit different from the usual. I waited, for I while before I went in, basically because my anxiety and a lack of money. But last I felt good and ready and had some money, so I went in. Curious about what I bought?

1. Jeans: I didn’t own a pair of jeans that fit and I was in need of a pair of good fitting jeans. And this is what I find. The fit is a bit eighties and I love it. I like the way my bum looks in this. Also, I like the style and already I have worn it as much as I can, which is basically non-stop. € 60, -, Stardust, brand: Cheap Monday.

2. Shirt: I was looking for a cropped top in this material, but couldn’t find it. So I thought why not buy me simple basic at the H&M and crop it myself.
€ 14,95, H&M.

3. Shorts: I wanted this since the age of twelve and now finally I have them. I haven’t worn them yet, the weather didn’t let me, but I’m sure I will soon.
€ 25, -, Stardust, vintage.

4. Jumpsuit: I love the colour red so much and with that, people have told me it’s a colour that suits me. Because of that I feel good in it and wanted a red dress, which I could only when I tried this on I could not say no to it. It’s more practical in the sense my undies won’t show if I fall asleep somewhere where I’m not supposed to (this does happen, especially when I’m tired and I can sleep everywhere and in almost every position). The thing I like the most about jumpsuits in general is that they are so comfortable.
€ 25, -, Stardust.

5. Gray maxi skirt with a slit at the front: I saw this when hanging in the H&M and wanted to try it on immediately, so I did and decided I loved it and that I wanted it. I love the fact that it’s maxi, but show a little skin through the slit.
€ 14,95, H&M.

6. Notebooks: My notebook is coming to an end and therefore I needed a new one to put all my ideas and thought in. These two are made of 100% recycled paper, which is good because it means no trees killed specially for these notebooks. I like that.
€ 2,25 each, Dille & Kamille.

Day Zero Project

A little while ago I came across a post from  Let's do the penguin on the day zero project. I noticed I liked to read this and that I felt the urge to start this project myself. It sounds fun and so I asked myself: Why not? My therapy will end in 2 months and then I will need something new to keep myself busy and this project just sounds perfect.

Curious what this project is about? The project will last exactly 1001 days and will have 101 goals, you can put the list of goals you want to chase yourself. And you can join here.

My plan is to give an update about my goals every 3 months, maybe this will change on the go. But for now I think this is the best, because I need something to talk about and have something done. Of course I won’t talk about every goal in the updates, just the ones I’ve worked on or finished. Besides the updates I will do some post about individual goals.

Day zero project:
1. Buy/make a money box
2. Put € 2, - in the money box every time you finish a goal
3. Put a random amount of money in the money box (0/5)
4. Do something fun with the money after the 1001 days are over
5. Do an update about the Day zero project every 3 months (0/11)
6. Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days are over

Personally:
7. Start a study coming September
8. Pass the first year
9. Get a job
10. Finish the course LOI that I once started
11. Move out of my family home
12. Get my license
13. Do something that terrifies me

Blog:
14. Every day a Blogpost for a whole month.
15. Get a new profile picture
16. Share some writing I have made
17. 2 posts a week
18. Give my blog a new layout

Creative:
19. Every day a picture for a whole month.
20. Do 5 DIY projects on this blog
21. Make 25 photos I’m proud of
22. Go and photograph analog
23. Make 15 drawings
24. Write every day (0/1001)
25. Take a picture of the same place every season (0/4)
26. Every month a picture of myself (0/33)
27. Create 3 outfits under € 30, - (0/3)
28. Write a short story
29. Learn a poem by heart
30. Take a photography class
31. Make and sell a painting

Travel:
32. To do some volunteer work abroad
33. Get a passport
34. Go to Disney land Paris
35. Go and see Paris
36. Go and see Berlin
37. Visit the Harry Potter studios
38. Go on a road trip
39. To have been to 5 different countries besides the Netherlands (0/5)

Activities:
40. Go to a concert
41. Go to 5 museums (0/5)
42. Go and see a Cabaret
43. Swim in the sea with Luna
44. Bungee jump
45. Party like a student
46. Sleep under the stars
47. Walk barefoot in the snow
48. Go barefoot for a day
49. Take a beach walk
50. Take a forest walk in the snow
51. Go to the zoo
52. Ice-skating

Baking and cooking:
53. Make ice-cream from scratch
54. Bake 5 different muffins (0/5)
55. Bake some pizza rolls
56. Bake or cook something new every month (0/33)
57. Make a custom recipe book
58. Open a cookbook on a random page and make whatever is on it
59. Make marshmallows from scratch
60. Bake some dog cookies
61. Bake a rainbow cake

Just do’s:
62. To shower maximum 5 min a day for a whole week
63. A picture of every outfit for a whole month
64. To wear lipstick one day of the week
65. To wear 1 day a week something I haven’t worn yet
66. Read 100 books (0/100)
67. Choose 5 countries and read a book by an author from each
68. See the sun rise
69. See the sunset

70. Buy the book: how to be an explorer of the world and do all the assignments
71. Learn how to sew
72. Jump in a fountain
73. Send 5 postcards to strangers (0/5)
74. Leave a nice message (for strangers) at a public place
75. Catch the first train at a train station and spent the day there
76. Clean out my closet
77. Buy a proper/good camera
78. Finish my therapy
79. Get more exercise
80. Make a YouTube video
81. Build a snowman and take a picture to share on my blog
82. Grow out my hair colour
83. Prepare a delicious dinner for my family during vacation
84. Learn another language
85. Dance in the rain
86. Leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find
87. Build a blanket fort and sleep in it
88. Write all my bad memories on paper, burn this paper afterwards
89. Learn the Latin alphabet
90. Learn how to play a ukulele
91. Get a ukulele
92. Write a detailed zombie apocalypse plan
93. Take pictures in a photo booth
94. Give money to a street musician
95. Make a new friend
96. Throw a paper airplane from a high building
97. A day tourist in own city
98. Buy a pair of Dr. Martins
99. Create a budget and stay on it for four weeks
100.Go to a poetry night
101.Get a coloring book and colour all

March Favourites

Stargirl, Jerry Spinelli: First thing I noticed; the cover, I loved it from the first minute. It’s simple and at the same time, in your face. The only right thing to do was to buy it so it could have a rightful place in my closet. But of course it isn’t the only reason why it’s in my favourites. I loved reading this book, it only took a little time before it was over. I felt a little jealous of Stargirl, because she is so amazing and I love her. I just wish I would be a little more like her.

Glasses, Pearl: For a while I suffered from headaches, and the solution to my problem was a pair of glasses. And I love them, they just help, my headache seem to be reduced to a minimum.

Honeymania, body butter, The Body Shop: This was more of an accidental buy. I bought it when I was shopping for some other applies at the body shop, when I came across this body butter for only € 1 and could not leave it there. I love the smell of it and my hands and body feels amazingly soft after using this, which isn’t that easy because for a while my hands were chapped, dry and painful.

Birdhouse: I can’t help but feeling a little (lot) proud of myself for building a birdhouse on my own. I have to admit that it was a kit, a little like something you order from IKEA that you have to build, only here it needed to be hammered, glued, measured and painted by yourself. But I’ve done it. At allot of the other birdhouses were almost falling apart, because misplaced nails. Mine were not. Even my father (son of a carpenter) told me it looked good.

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear. After that....... you are free"

1. Bag, Primark

2. The abundance of Katherines, for the train journey.

3. Train cart, so I can legally travel.

4. Camera

5. My new glasses, so I don’t get a headache.

6. Some moisturizer, so my hands won't dry out.

7. My mobile phone.

8. Deodorant for when I’m smelly.

9. Some water to keep myself hydrated.

09:00 AM, I’m on my way to Zwolle to spend my day wandering through the city, something I never had the courage to do. The idea was I would use this as an exercise, as an exposure (exposing myself to my fear in order to fight my anxiety), and I did. The nerves that I felt when stepped on the train to make my journey to Zwolle, for a minute I thought it would be too much. But when I arrived there and started to wander the city through my nerves went down and I actually had a fun day, I enjoyed myself.

I went into every shop, walked along the beautiful buildings, sat down to eat when I felt like it and ended my day with ice cream (banana and berries). I barely felt any nerves at all and got all enthusiastic when I saw a book shop having a sale and I couldn’t resist going in and pick up some books, so I did.

Now that I have done this, I feel proud. Proud that I could and it feels good to find out you can more than you think you can. What I would advise you to do is to just try new thing and do more things you love, even if you think you can’t or you feel a terrible lot of nerves and are terrified by the idea, well I was terrified and I managed to do this.

1. Some books that I found in the sale and two books I got because I had planned to buy them.

2. I saw these cute and summary molds for cupcakes, the only ones I had where Christmas themed, and I just had to buy them. (Dille & Kamille)

3. Some tea I found and wanted to try out. (Dille & Kamille)

4. Zwolse ballen, because I can’t leave Zwolle without buying these.

5. Day cream with SPF, I needed some and I choose this one. (Body shop)

6. Some body butter, because it has been just € 1.

7. Just some make-up brushes.

8. A couple of face masks.

9. Eye shadow, I saw these ones back in December, but thought they were too expensive. Now they were half the price and therefore couldn’t leave them there. (Body shop)

10. A tester I received when I was buying things in the body shop.

February favourites

1. A while ago I have bought a couple of old books and since then I have fallen in love with the way they look, the way they feel, the way they smell and because the stories they have been witnessed themselves, they lived through (because they are so old and so many people have owned them). And that’s why my grandmother has given me some of the books she inherited from her father to me. Theirs one children’s book and only to imagine that he would have been watching the pictures, read the stories, is what I love the most.

2. My lips have become dry and chipped and I needed to take care of that. When I tried baby lips it immediately made my lips feel better. I like the way this one smells like cherries, but the smell is not too overpowering.

3. Dove intensive repair. I have not been that nice to my hair, I painted it and at last bleached it (something I still regret doing). My hair became dry, almost straw like. But the moment I first used it, I noticed an immediate change, I had become so much softer and this only got better and better. I will definitely buy this product again.

4. My notebook has become a real pleasure . I have written almost every single thought, idea, quote, book that I want to read and every film I wanted to watch in their. It may not be the prettiest book ever, but I just love to look at all the things I wrote in their these past months. It’s all that I am. Reading this would tell you more about me than living most of your live with me.

5. Even though the weather has not been that cold (at all) and it probably was not needed, I wore this scarf almost every single day. It’s just so soft, warm and amazing. It gives my outfit a bit of color and texture and that’s why it’s worth every penny.

Background: blanket: Odds and Ends