Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

2014 has come to an end, something I not the slightest sad about. For my family and me 2014 has been a year of stress and let-downs. Of course, this doesn’t mean it has been a year of waste. A lot has happened, I’ve finished my therapy, the progress I’ve made with my anxiety has been tremendous considered the difference from me sitting at home too afraid to even walk the dog to where I stand now. But the overall vibe of 2014 hasn’t been great, with my biggest setback the first and only week as a journalist, student, I don’t believe I ever had this big of a panic attack: no sleep, throwing up and many thoughts that haunted my mind. To be honest would this not have happened, I wouldn’t find my course. Something that fits and something I love doing in a group I feel comfortable enough to share the stories I’ve written, receiving feedback and also giving feedback. Which isn’t an easy thing for me.

As for 2015, not much will be needed to make it a better and more positive year. Although I still need to make progress in my anxiety, as I’ve noticed it is still a big thing that sits in the way. There are still many moments I want to start a conversation or when I just want to talk back, but no words will come from my mouth. The only words that in such a situation will come out are yes and no, those aren’t much efficient. It isn’t that my mind goes black, many sentences form in my head but nothing comes out. Another thing that bothers me is that I still get very anxious about the silliest things, that don’t need to be worried about.

                I will make an effort to be more positive and push myself to make progress. For a fresh beginning of a new year we decided to write all the negativity, all the things we do not wish to see back in 2015 on a piece of paper who we will set to fire. So that those things will stay in 2014.

On to my New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Write More!!The new year is going to be a year of writing. Writing for my blog, my course and other bits and pieces I want to write. Write, write, write!!
2. Draw/Paint.I used to draw every day, it was something I loved doing and created some piece in my head. I would love to pick up drawing and painting again in 2015, since I barely do it anymore.
3. Eat less crap!This is something my mom and I already made a start with the last couple of months, we have started to eat less processed food and making our dinner from scratch with fresh ingredients. January we will step up our game and stop eating sugar, of course, this doesn’t mean we will never eat sugar, but only on special occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. But with this as prospect I kind off went overboard with eating candy and sugary treats, the last months. So much that my dentist won’t be happy when he sees my tooth as I’m pretty sure I have a hole in it, because it hurts when I eat.  
4. To challenge myself!!!!So 2015 is going to be a year of challenging myself to do the thing outside my comfort zone. My first step will be to have a small job for only a couple of hours a week, so that I will have a reason to get out of the house, be among other human beings and create a rhythm for myself so I might get more productive.
5. Read more!I love reading, but most of the time I just find other things to do and sometimes it’s just passing time and the perfect opportunity to read. I’m going to set a goal for myself and it will be 21 books in a year, as 21 is the age I will turn in 2015.

These are my five resolutions that I will stick to!

I hope 2015 is going to be a good and positive year for everyone.

Happy 2015

Everybody is equal

Everybody is equal, therefore everybody should be treated as such. No matter colour your skin is.

Over time a lot on this matter is changed, but not enough. Racism is still something that is happening every day. You might have heard on the news, internet about protest in America and perhaps other signs. Discrimination is so deeply rooted that sometimes we discriminate without knowing we do, this to me was very upsetting. Because I would like to say that in every situation, I wouldn’t, but I’m not sure how I would react when in a situation. Personally, I think this is a bad thing that needs to be changed drastically.

Although I might not be the person to say anything on this matter, as I don’t know a lot about this matter and have never experienced discrimination myself. Also, I’m not the person to change it either, I do not have the money, dominance or connection to make a difference. But looking away and pretending it doesn’t exist, it isn’t happening, will not make it better or go away either. I think if enough people will talk about this topic and start realizing what is happening, someone might either find the solution or people will become more aware of their actions (although not everybody will, sadly).

I know this isn’t anything like what I normally put on my blog, but as Louise, from sprinkle of glitter, pointed out to me that talking about this and make people more aware is a step in the right direction and I would happily help will that.

Not that pretty, but delicious anyway

Already a week of the month December has passed and I feel as if December is running away with me. For today I wanted to do a baking post of a recipe I wanted to make since last year out of my wonderful Christmas cookbook. This hasn’t been a grand success, they don’t look in the slightest way on the picture in the book. Although the taste is fine, delicious even, and that is the reason I still wanted to share them with you.

You need:

2  egg whites
275 g  icing sugar
150 g almonds, finely ground
1 ½ tablespoon of cinnamon

Recipe:

Beat the eggs with a wooden spoon in a big bowl. Gradually add the icing sugar to the eggs and mix together until smooth. Mix in the tablespoons of cinnamon. Hold 100 grams of this mixture/frosting covered aside for later.  Now it is time for you to use your hands. Mix the almonds to the mixture (you can add ½ teaspoon of water, but first mix well with your hands. The heat will soften the mixture).

Sprinkle a bit of icing sugar on your working surface, to prevent your mixture to stick to it. Roll the dough/mixture till a thickness of 3mm. Divide a thin layer of the left over frosting on top of your dough (make sure you don’t put on a too thick of a layer as I did, it made everything a bit messy). Leave this, uncovered, for 30-35 min until the frosting is hardened.

 

Preheat the oven to 150◦C.

 

Create the shapes of your cookies with a cookie cutter, doesn’t necessarily need to be a star. Before you start cutting out your cookies, coat them with a little icing sugar, so the dough won’t stick as much.

Put them in the oven for about ten minutes total, until they are slightly firm. 5 minutes on the doughy side and 5 minutes on the icing side.

Leave them to cool down completely.

Happy shoes

Pointy, maroon, they make me happy. Everytime I look down to my feet, a smile turns on my face.

I love the way they look, my feet look small, the colour is amazing and the shoe is so different from what I already have. I love that they remind me of witches, perhaps I like that so much because my little girl's dream was to become a witch. Sadly, that dream didn’t came true.

October Favourites

Last month a few things have happened, first of all I became the owner of a driver's license. October the 15^th I had my exam and past, it took me exactly 100 hours spread over two years. A bit long that is, but nonetheless, I past.

            Something else that happened in the month of October, was something I never thought I would be doing. I Shared my blog via Facebook with everyone I had on my friends list there. So now I suspect people that I come across in real life now know about my blog, which is terrifying to me and also set the bar of posting a lot higher and made it difficult for me to post anything new. But I started to miss blogging, as a place where I can be myself and do what I love, and wanted to get started again. So here I am, taking another step forward and facing one of my fears for yet another time by telling you about a few favourites of this month.

Blouse & Vest: This was a combination I accidentally tried. First, I was wearing the blouse on its own, but this was a bit cold, so I popped my green vest underneath it. Surprisingly, I love the way this looked and it was warm, cosy and comfortable to wear, perfect when the temperature starts to drop (if it ever is going to, at least).

Mac and cheese casserole: A bit strange for me to want to try out, as I am not the greatest cheese lover and neither am I a fan of pastas. But even stranger was that I loved the way it tasted, the cheese sauce was creamy, soft, sweet and just delicious. 

Vegetable soup: An other food favourite in October. I found this recipe a few months ago on Tanya Burr’s blog and wanted to try it out ever since. And now I have, I can’t say anything else as yumm.. It was so satisfying to eat, because it filled me up completely and nothing feels as good than to be completely filled up with a delicious meal.

Autumn & Winter

Evenings are getting darker, temperature drops, rainy days ahead of us, leaves are falling, a cold is waiting for us around the corner to clog our nose and hurt our throat, wait a while and it will start to freeze, get so cold you can’t feel your toes, no more the warmth of the sun to brighten your day and give the energy you need so much. No worries, it isn’t as bad as it all sounds, there are many things to look forward to.

 

Cosy blankets
Cosy socks
Knitted sweaters
Candle lights flickering and lighting the room
Hot chocolate, who taste the best if your toes are frozen
More baths in the evening
Spending rainy days under the duvet watching films or reading books
Time for comfort foods
Walking through the leaves that have fallen
Pumpkins
Sinterklaas and the delicious treats that come with it
The feeling Christmas is approaching
Christmas itself and the delicious dinners
Twinkle lights that light the world in these dark days
Scarves, hats and boots
Oversized jumpers
Building snowmen’s
Watching snowflakes dancing  
Fireworks

Day Zero updat #2

This update on the Day Zero Project is a bit late, I said I was going to have one every three months, but nonetheless it is here a month later. A lot has happened since my last update, but you might have already read it in some previous posts. I got a few more goals achieved and those I will share with you right now.

Write a letter to myself to be opened when the 1001 days are over:
Finally, I made some time to write this letter and now the only thing I need to do is to find an envelope to keep it in until I’m aloud to read it again.

Start a study in September:
Perhaps you now that this wasn’t exactly a piece of cake, quite the contrary. To make a long story short, my first attempt to start a study (journalism) has failed which left me a bit down and confused, but I got back up and now I started a writing course/self-study. Saturday the 20^th of September was the first time I went, I was very poorly of all the nerves (I was sick the entire week because of it, but once I was in it wasn’t that bad and definitely a place I could learn a lot of useful things (still very scary though). I’m quite proud I took this step, because it fits me a lot better. Full story here.

Share some writing I’ve made
In my last update I told you I was about to do so and now I have. If you are curious what I’m talking about, you can read my story here.

Give my blog a new layout
Have you noticed something different? Yes, well, I hope so. I worked very hard on this. I know this might not be perfect, but for someone who isn’t quite good with technology and making a site look pretty I think it turned out good. And I can’t help feeling a little proud of myself.

Swim in the sea with Luna
For anyone who didn’t know, Luna is my dog. It wasn’t really the biggest success as we thought it would since she loves water and to swim in it. But she thought the waves were a bit frightening and it bothered her we were in the water with only our heads to see, it all made her a bit nervous and extremely happy when we got safely out of the water.

Go to the zoo
Another thing I’ve done during my vacation. We went to the zoo in Amsterdam, Artis. We had a lovely time even though I was disappointed with the size of the cages the animals were in. I know I’m not an expert on this, but I thought they seemed very small.

Bake 5 different muffins
Now I’m on three muffins, my latest addition is one I shared here and it’s a chocolate chip muffin, very yummy.

Read 100 books
I only got to 6, which means I haven’t read that much lately, only three books, but it’s still better than nothing right?
Diamond Star Halo by Tiffany Murray
This book I picked up in the sales when I spent my day in Zwolle and it wasn’t just a splurge, because I enjoyed reading the book and entering its world.
F*ck I’m in my twenties by Emma Koening
I got this book for my twentieth birthday, to perhaps prepare myself for what is to come. (I really liked flicking through and reading all the fun things that are inside. It’s grade for when you’re bored or waiting for something to get ready and have nothing else to do, although you might finish it before you actually need too because it’s great and very hard to leave it for another time. I finished the in only a couple of hours, because I kept reaching for it.
Flowers in the attic by Virginia Andrews
A very disturbing and a bit depressing book, which my mom once recommended to me since the age 12 I believe. I finally got around it and gave it a try. It’s one of those books you get sucked in easily, even if you get a bit tired with all what goes wrong, at least for me. But it’s not a book you should expect from to get you in a good mood, because it isn’t the happiest story ever told.

When things turn out different than you planned

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I have something I need to tell you. A few posts back I told you about my first day of college and how it triggered my anxiety. Well, my anxiety got even worse, I didn’t sleep and suffer from many panic attacks. After that week I talked with my parents and asked for advice from my psychologist and decided it was better to quit, because it was too big of a step and there was just too much coming at me in a short period of time.

 

This felt a bit like failing and I was afraid I would end up sitting home again with no life, so after I decided to quit I found almost immediately a plan B. A writing study/course of 18 months, 15 hours a week and every month one meeting with my classmates and teacher. This is going to start this Saturday. But because I still want to keep pushing to get more out of my comfort zone I’m being busy and trying hard to find a job and I decided that it would be time to share my blog with all the people I know. You might know that sharing my blog is pretty hard and scary for me, up till to today my blog is a secret (except for my parents who I shared my blog with a few weeks ago). I’m afraid about what people might think about me and my blog. But it’s a step I’m willing to make.

After that, the study journalism turned out not to work my self-confidence crumbled a little and my anxiety started messing my head up by telling me I’m not good enough, that I will fail with this course as well, etc. It's gotten so bad this week, because of the insecurity of starting this course, missing a couple of books and not being able to let it go and let the study be, that I got physically ill because all the stress and anxiety. Of course, my sensible side (which I do have, only it isn’t as strong) tells me that what my anxiety tells me is mostly untrue. Like my mom tells me, everything is going to be okay and that I will just have to let it rest for now.

 

The big and scary world

Have any of you ever watched the film 28 days with Sandra Bullock. The second time I watched it (last weekend) I've had my day therapy behind me and it surprised me that I recognized a lot about the things she went through, even though I am no addict.

The first day you enter the doors you hate everything there, you feel you ended up between a bunch of lunatics, freaks, thinking it is a lot of bullshit that you ended up here. You aren’t crazy or anything, right? This is until you start to realize that you do belong in here, that something is wrong and definitely needs to change. The other patients turned out to be more normal than you initially thought.

After a while you even start to like and care for your fellow patient and it looks like it is the other way around as well. Perhaps this is because you share so much with each other, more than you would with anyone else, things that are extremely personal you tell them makes you feel fragile but still you feel safe enough to tell them. The great thing is when you tell them these things or whenever you feel very anxious, have a specific feeling or struggle again they won’t look at you weirdly, they understand. They know, because they went or are going through the same. You never need to explain, something you forget a little when you step back into society. When you go out again into this big and scary world people won’t understand immediately that you struggle with something think of as normal, you will need to explain. Although not everybody cares and that’s okay,  you only need to get used that everything is different from the safe surroundings at therapy.

Sunday Funday

Last Sunday we had a lovely time with all the women of the family (on my mother’s side) having a workshop sculpting or painting. I have chosen to paint, which you might have guessed considering the picture of my painting above. This was the first time we have done it like this, the years before only my aunts, mother and grandmother went, only this year they divided it would be fun to invite us as well. Everybody was first a bit sceptical about whether they would make something good or worth making, but at the end of the day everyone, both the ones who were sculpting a stone and the ones who were painting, made something they can be proud of. After a very busy but creative day we went to our home to enjoy a BBQ with delicious food and the best ice-cream as dessert. Chatted the evening away and going home tired but satisfied.

First day of college and August favourites

Yesterday has been the first day of college for me and if I may be totally honest with you, it is going to be much harder than I thought it is going to be. The first half of the day was going very smoothly, we just had some informational classes nothing scary really. But then… the last class of the day we were handed some information about what was expected from us these coming weeks. Which was more than I thought, apparently we are starting out from the beginning with some after school journalism experience gaining, basically doing journalistic stuff outside of school you should arrange yourself. But that was not the only thing, we also have to make some kind of video of three minutes about yourself, which might become a slight problem since 1. I’m not really great at those technical stuff (making videos) and 2. Due to my anxiety I have spent a lot of time just hiding and barely doing anything, which now mind cause me not really having much to tell and to tell about my anxiety already to my classmates mind me a bit too fast. So getting to know what were expecting of me already the first semester gave me a large panic attack, which I luckily hold in until I was at the train station and not while I was still in class. Although having a panic attack (crying my eyes out, hyperventilate and trying to make sense to my mother on the telephone) on a busy train station is not everything either, it does get noticed of course.

Now I’m not willing to give up so I have sent my mentor an email explaining about my anxiety and made an appointment for tomorrow to perhaps find some sort of solution. To top this all, I'm feeling very poorly (as in sick).

Now on a much brighter notice, I also have some august favourites I would like to share.

Whasi  tape: I bought some basic notebooks, agenda, etc. that needed some decoration to make them more personal and whasi tape is amazing for this. I love the variation of colours and  prints and the fact they very easy to use and versatile. As you can see in the first picture of this post I already have personalized my agenda.

Angels on bare skin: A few posts back I shared some products of lush I bought and one of them was this skin wash. I love love love this product, I have to tell you that my skin looks and feels better after using this and Angels on bare skin is definitely a product I will buy again.

Bag: I wanted another small bag that I could carry around if I was going out or just on a day where I don’t need much to take along. When I found this bag while I was not even looking for it, I fell in love immediately. I love the print and think it’s the perfect size.

Dragon's egg: I tried my first ever bath bomb and it was amazing. The smell not too overpowering but lovely sweet, my bath, bright orange with gold sparkles that came out of surprise from the heart of the bath bomb. The water reminded me for some reason of mermaids, which I don’t mind at all. My skin felt super soft after I came out of my relaxing bath. I look forward to trying more bath bombs from the lush, do any of you have my recommendation of a bath bomb you love?

I'm back!

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a post and I’m sorry for that, I really didn’t mean to. But because introduction camp and college were coming closer and closer I got really scared and anxious, which resulted in me escaping to my fantasy world hiding from the reality (it all got a bit too real I guess). The only times I did get out into reality was whenever I needed to do some preparation for college, such as ordering books, a new laptop, etc. But now I’m back and I will try my hardest to get as many posts up as possible.

My introduction camp has been a blast, but having said that, it also has been the biggest and scariest thing I’ve done so far, even harder than I expected it would be. I had expected that as soon as I got in the building and interacted with other human beings the panic, remaining from the very large panic attack I had in the car before entering the building (it had been such a while I had such a panic attack), would be gone. But it didn’t it lasted the first one and a half day, it was crawling just underneath my skin waiting for one last trigger to escape again. This might perhaps be because everything from this introduction was a secret, we knew nothing about where we would sleep or what we would be going to do, but none the less I survived, even more than that. I interacted with others, had a laugh and a very great time this week. I can say I feel very proud of myself and I think I have another victory.

Tomorrow will be another big day as I’m moving out to live with my Grandmother until I find a place of my own. Reason for me to live there is because it is a lot closer and I won’t be traveling as much as I would if I stayed home and therefore I will have more time left for blogging. Another thing that will be happening very soon, Monday the first of September, is my first day of college, which of course I feel nervous for and slightly exited.  
I still have to prove myself I can do this, because I’m still not convinced I can become a journalist in training, I mean I will be having to do a lot of things that are out of my comfort zone (it might not be the most logical step to make for someone with social anxiety), but of course it would be great to expand my comfort zone, to become more comfortable for me and of course it will be a great adventure where I can grow and learn a lot.

An update

 On Wednesday we went to Bremen with the four of us, which was for a long-time and the first this vacation. We really have enjoyed ourselves in this beautiful city with its beautiful and magnificent buildings, small streets, those cute, beautiful and magical streets you sometimes find hiding in big cities. Found an adorable candy shop where you can see them actually make the candy (although unfortunately every time we went past they weren’t), saw a huge lollypop 50cm in diameter, which I of course fancy (but did not buy).

 

 

One thing I was very exited about, perhaps more than I should have been, was going to the lush there. I wanted to go there for so long and wanted to try some of the product out so badly, but there is no lush nearby where I live. In Bremen there is a lush and so I went in and bought some products from there. But besides going to the lush we also went in a few other shops to get supplies (clothing wise and shoe wise) that we needed and of course we played proper tourist taking photographs of all the buildings, ordering drinks and watching all the people pass by.

 

 

The lush products I’ve bought:

Angels on bare skin:
This is the only product I’ve used so far and so I thought I give you a little heads up about what I think of it so far. I love, until now my face feels great afterwards.

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Dragon's egg:

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Phoenix Rising Bath Ballistic:

 

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Sugar Scrub:

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Friday
Friday we went to the beach, although it wasn’t as sunny and warm it was the week before the water was a nice temperature and so it was very doable. Perhaps even more comfortable, my skin is very pale and so I burn very quickly (and I always make sure I put enough sunscreen on). Although I still got a bit burned after all, but imagine how it would have been if the sun was shining fully and with all its heat.

I really loved being at the beach as it was so long ago I have had a proper swim, which is a shame because I love swimming. Everything we had with us was tasting like sand and salt, the sand, we later found everywhere you wouldn’t want it to be, so all the signs of a good day at the beach are here.   

Strange visitor

It’s Sneekweek in Sneek (a small place in Friesland in the Netherlands). It’s when whole Sneek is partying for a week and when sailboats of all kinds are sailing through this city/village. Not that the boats are just cruising through the channels, because they make a spectacular show of it with flying man (not really of course, it’s something they did with water so they could keep the humans in the air) and beautiful fireworks, which we had a first rang view off a balcony. And I can tell you that it was the most beautiful fireworks I have ever seen, it gave me a somewhat magical feeling.

I came there together with my parents, who went for nostalgic reasons, they both grew up here and spent almost every year at this event. I on the other hand went because I was curious and of course the yummy treats (such as oliebollen, suikerbrood bread with sucker), because we spent our nights at my grandmothers as she lives there nearby. Of course also to spend some time with her.

In the morning we had a strange visitor, who was very drunk and a bit rude (using our classes without really asking to pour himself a glass of berenburg cola, a strong alcoholic drink, and smoking in a no-smoke building and bothering elderly). He said he came after a night of partying while losing his friend to visit his grandparents, a few moments later we found out he had no grandparents in this building. Also, he had a very sad story about how his friend left him and he could not get home, because he had no money and he came with his friend's car and he wasn’t living nearby. But when my dad, after a while and when a lot of complaining about this guy, left him out, he left by bicycle (which he said he had not with him). Why he came to this building and how, we are not sure.

Even though we had this strange drunk visitor (which is leaving as with a good story to tell) we had a good weekend where we had lots of fun. Have any of you done anything this weekend you enjoyed?

I bought some things from Primark

I’ve done some shopping in Almere, mostly to get some clothing essentials for my intro camp, such a pajama that fits and more. Not that I catered everything that I need yet, but it’s a start.

Pajama one: Elmo shirt € 8,00, Pants € 3,00, Primark. The pajama that I already owned was three sizes too big and therefore I would not feel comfortable to wear it out on camp. So I needed a new one and I found this one to replace, I love the Elmo shirt (with the Tickle me! Sign on the back) and thought these pants, that were on sale, would be cute to pair with. This means I’m ready for sleeping during camp!

Pajama two: € 9,00, Primark. I do not really have an explanation why, other than I like it and really want it. I already slept in this one, and it’s very comfortable to wear and perfect for the warm summer nights, because It isn’t a thick material or very warm.

Dress: € 3,00, Primark. This dress was on sale and if it wasn’t for my mom I wouldn’t have seen it, which would be a shame, because I really love it. I love the fit on me, over the last year I discovered I like looser, more about me, simply because it suits my body better than the skin tight, which I wore before.

Kimono: € 18,00, Primark. I really like the look of a kimono, so when I came across this one I couldn’t do anything else to buy it and take it with me.

Dress: € 9,95, Zara. I found this dress in the sale in Zara and immediately loved it. It’s so soft and lightweight that I would wear this loads in summer.

Black Jeans: € 29,95, Only. I already planned on buying a more expensive one (€ 60) somewhere else, but when I found this one for 30 euros less, the choice was easy. I think a simple black high waist jeans is a good staple in my closet, something I can build an outfit from.

Socks: € 2,50, Primark. Last year I bought a pack of Christmas socks from Primark and they were very comfortable, so comfortable that I still wear them every now and then, even though it is summertime. So buying a new pair of these socks was not a bad idea, I chose these bear ones this time.

Flower crown: € 3,50, Primark. As you might know, I’m trying to expand my comfort zone clothing wise and because a flower crown is something I wanted to try out for quite some time now, but never had the courage to do so, I thought I might now start to just wear it without too many thoughts. So I bought this one, because they weren’t that expensive and because I would not have an excuse not to try it.

July favourites

Another month has past and I got a few favourites collected to share with you.

Book: F*ck! I’m in my twenties by Emma Koening. This book I got for my twentieth birthday this year, because it seemed appropriate. And I loved flipping through it, whenever I needed to wait for something or just felt like it, so much that it just took me a few hours to finish.

Udder cream: My skin has been so dry these past two months and nothing seemed to help and I tried everything we had, until we found udder cream somewhere hiding in our house. I though why not give it a try and it felt amazing, I almost heard my skin drinking al the moist that was in it (I swear I hear it slurp). My skin felt so much better and softer after the first try.

Candle holder: I always wanted a candle holder with a holder so you can carry it around, like you see in films about stories in the 18^th century, and I found one just in my home town in a cute shop full of second hand things.

Face mask: Dr. Van Der Hoog, Hypo sensitive. My skin was so dry, tight and sometimes even painful that I needed something to calm it down and bring back some life in it. I went to the shop and bought this one from Dr. Van Der Hoog to give it a try and I’m happy I did. It does exactly what it says it will and my skin feels more relaxed, less dry and definitely not that tight or painful anymore.

Something I never done Before

You might know from reading my Liebster award post, that the people I know (like friends and family) have never seen my blog or even know that I have a blog. And because I do want to share the thing I enjoy most with the people I love, I thought that my parents should be the first to have a look, because right now they are the only ones (together with my aunt) who know that I’m blogging and are very curious about it.

Of course I don’t want to just give them a link and be done with it, what I would like is to make a little present out of it.

This summer might be the last time we spent it the way we always did, together as a family, we all know that this year lots of things will change, I will move out, study, make friends and we don’t know how next year will look like. And that’s why I thought this would be a great time to give my parents the link to my blog, which they have been waiting for such a long time (I know they have). Like I said I wanted to make it a bit more like a present, so what I’m thinking of doing is to write it on the back of a card and give this card at the end of a day where we would have spent the entire day of having fun together as a family, perhaps at dinner.

Now I did limit my choice to just two cards, but I’m not sure which one I like more for this occasion. So if any of you have a suggestion on which one you like most, please let me know, because it would be very helpful. If you are wondering about what the first card says (it is in Dutch), it says: Lots of love (Veel liefs).

I feel so nervous about doing this, as I know how much of a big step this is. Also, I know my parents would appreciate it and probably be surprised about me getting these cards on my own and in such a spontaneous way. Even I am very surprised, I know what is the big deal right, well, I have never done such a thing before I used to stay home and not leave the house, last year I would be terrified to do this and therefore I would not have gone on a spontaneous trip to the store. This show how much I have grown this year and makes this present even a greater deal for my parents.

Chocolate Muffin

Yesterday it was my uncle's birthday, and I’ve been told he loves chocolate muffins, so I thought I bake him a couple. Because I loved the other recipe so much I customized it to a chocolate muffin recipe, basically the basics are just the same as the blueberry one.

I have to tell you I’m not a massive chocolate lover (I know, weird), but even I liked this muffin.


Preparation time: 30 min

Cooking time: 15-25 min

Serves: 12-13 muffins

Oven at 200° C/400 F

Ingredients:
-200g plain flour (1 & 2/3 cups)
-150g caster sugar (1 & 1/2 cups)
-1/2 tsp salt
-2 teaspoons baking powder
-75ml vegetable oil or just sunflower oil (1/3 cup)
-1 egg (or two small ones, like I did, our chickens don’t do big eggs)
-75ml milk (1/3 cup)
- 2 tbsp cocoa powder
- 1 small bag vanilla sugar
- Pure chocolate bar (add as much as you like)

Put all the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl, then mix these with a metal spoon. Now you can add the vegetable/sunflower oil, egg, milk and mix until you get a smooth consistency. Now you can get to be aggressive with the chocolate bar and “stab” the chocolate into small chunks and add and mix those pieces into the mixture.

The only things you're left to do are to divide the mixture between the muffin tins and wait for them to get ready in the oven. They should be ready in around 15 to 25 min (depends on your oven). You can check if they're ready by sticking a toothpick in one of the muffins and when nothing sticks to it they are done.

Before

and

After

I love the way they look so round when they come out of the oven, it’s ridiculous how excited I got when I first saw them coming out of the oven (oh the joy it gives me!).

Change

It’s official now, since a day, my life is going to change drastically at the end of August and the beginning of September. Of course, this isn’t the first change I have had on my life and this won’t be the last, but it’s the biggest one I had so far. My childhood will be officially over. I will be going to school again and this time for real, the last two years have been a waste, first choosing something I later found out was definitely not something for me and second my anxiety who had a hold on my life so big I couldn’t do anything. This time I will do something that is out of my comfort zone, which does frighten me. I will be educated to become a journalist if everything goes right at least, and I do look forward to this whole experience.

So first I will have an introduction of four days, where I don’t know what we will be doing or where it will find places and where I will be in a group of people I never met before. That is something that was already out of my comfort zone, but what I will be studying even more so, as you might know about me, I have social anxiety and that is probably making it a bit harder to go out and do the things journalist do. Now I’m not complaining or anything, it was my choice and I’m still standing for it. I really do feel excitement as well if I think about it, I mean there is a reason I have chosen for becoming a journalist, because something about this profession attracts me so much.

This is not the only change that is going to happen coming school year, I’m moving out my family home. So this means I’m looking very hard to find a place where I can live, if I don’t find one before September I will still move out of my family home only I will be living at my grandmothers until I do find a place, she lives a lot closer to where I will study.

All these changes lead to one thing, me having to grow up a little, I know that I will never be a real grownup, right?, I will have responsibility and by that I don’t mean doing chores at home, doing my homework or such I mean paying bills and taxes real grownup thing plus the chores and homework. But this is good, right? Because if nothing would ever change I would have to worry so much more (that would not be healthy) and I think I’m ready for this huge change to happen even though I’m scared and perhaps a little doubtful whether I can really do all of that, but I will find a way. I know I will.

　

Do more of what you love

Why is it that when I have a hobby, I still find hundreds of other things I think are more important and I decide to do them and forget about the thing I love doing. I know that I’m not alone in this, I already know a few people who do so and I do think there are a few of you who have the same problem, right? Or am I completely alone in this?

I noticed that I haven’t told you what the things I love doing most are, well the things I love doing are writing and drawing, there is just something in there that just makes the noise in my head quite down. I love creating a story by the pen and the inner peace I get (the fact there are no thoughts) when I’m drawing. So why I’m not doing this more, probably because I don’t give myself the time to do so. But the point of writing this post is telling about what is going to change. 

I’m going to write more! At least I’m going to try to get this done. First, I need a pretty notebook, which you see in the picture above, I got this one for my birthday from my brother, Peter, and am very happy with this. What is better than a fresh new notebook that is open to all sorts of stories, it’s like a new beginning with all its opportunities and possibilities and a bright new chance to become a brand new person (or am I now exaggerating? I just get overly excited whenever I receive a new notebook). The second thing I think is necessary if I want to achieve this goal of writing more is demand myself to write every day (or at least try to), even if it is just for one minute.

Of course, most of the writing will be just for myself, because I think most of it will be rubbish, but whenever I write something that I’m pretty pleased about I will share that with you, if anyone is curious about what it will do to effect this blog.

Is anyone of you struggle with finding the time or energy to do what you love most?
 

Life is too short to not have fun with your clothes

If you read some of my previous posts you would know that I’ve started to experiment with clothes or at least try to. I started to wear clothes or accessories that I would really like to wear, but they were out of my comfort zone and for a long time I was just scared to wear them, but the last month or so I made myself to do it and try not to think about it.

Because September will bring me a new year (life) with a new start. And because a new life will start for me, I would like to finally stop wearing my go to clothes (the ones that are saved and have no personality) and start creating my own style and try not to be as ashamed of myself. Only where do you start? Well, for me, I think I would start with collecting pictures with styles and clothes that inspire me and which I very much like. This wasn’t that hard at all, because I collect pictures for a couple a years now, which left me with hundreds of them. I did this because it used to help me fantasize about the person I would like to be most, I basically lived in my fantasy for years and now is a good time to get ad start my own real life. My blog is a place where I share bits and bobs of my life and I think this journey is definitely something I want to share here on my blog as well, so this is where it starts.

I do not remember where I got the pictures from anymore, I think this is bad, but I can’t do anything about it. They were just so many and I didn’t write where they have come from, but I wanted to make sure you know I didn’t make any of them they just inspire me and make me happy.

Dresses

Something there is about dresses, they can be worn in many different ways and are perfect for summer days, except when it’s very windy and your skirt wants to expose everything. These three dresses I once found on Pinterest and it was love at first sight.

Necklaces

Lately I feel a little bare on my chest and have the feeling something is missing. That something is a necklace. Of course, there had to be something triangle in here and that’s the last necklace, I love it. Another thing I really liked and I recently found out about is the necklace on the back like wearing by Cara Delevingne on this picture, I think, is a fun way of accessories your back when you wear something that exposes it. A necklace is something that finishes up a look I think.

Hats

I always had a thing about hats, I used to wear them a lot, but lately it’s a bit more difficult because I always have the feeling it’s such a big statement and probably I’m exaggerating a bit. I would love to have the confidence of wearing a hat again. The hat I’m most graving for at this moment is a big floppy hat and that probably shows in the pictures that I have here on display.

Cropped

Cropped tops have been something I already started to wear a lot these days, but some extra inspiration on how to wear them or the diversion of them and I couldn’t let them out of this post. I can’t help it, but I just love them so much.

Shoes

In one of my latest posts I told you about my lack of diversion in shoes and lack of sandals. Even on the search on them, I could only find two styles (but they really the same kind of style really) I liked, but I thought I share them with you anyway.

　

　

 

 

 

 

Thunderstorms

Doors wide open, sitting as close as we could, rain falling inside and touching my skin, wind roughly playing my hair while thunder moved the earth and lighting lighted the world. Mom telling my brother and me to smile, because we were being photographed by someone up there. Cooling the heat of the day down, hearing rain drop on the roof.

     The times where my Mom and Dad woke us up in the middle of the night to watch the thunderstorm in front an open door, on our terrace or in front a window with our pyjamas still on and only half awake with sleep in our eyes. It was like magic watching the lighting against the dark sky lighting our house and listen to the mighty thunder shaking the earth.

While others go inside to hide or even lock themselves up in their toilets, because they’re scared, we didn’t, we weren’t. We sat outside and enjoying it, we always have and probably always will. I must admit that when I was little I never understood it when friends told me they were scared of it, how could they be scared of something so beautiful, I enjoyed it from the first moment my family and I watched it together. For me it was and is one of those magical childhood memories you love and adore and will never ever forget. It still is one of the things I love most of life and it’s still as magical and special it once was.

This doesn’t mean I do not feel fear when I’m cycling or walking in an open area with me as the highest point while thunder is above me, I do know thunder and lightning brings danger and I could get struck by lightning (my mom and dad taught me that). But when I sit safely at home on our terrace, it relaxes me.